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That word resonated like a bell over and over in my head.
Yes.
Yes, I’d had other symptoms of miscarriage.The three other times I’d experienced one.Another fact I shared with the nurses.
“But this time?”the young, blonde nurse asked.“Have there been any other symptoms?Any cramps besides today?”
Wasn’t today enough?
“Any bleeding?Besides now?”
Again.Isn’t this enough?I wanted to scream, but I gritted my teeth and shook my head.
“Have you suffered any trauma?Any falls or—”
“No.”I shook my head again.“Nothing.Everything has been fine.I haven’t even been sick.A little nausea, and some tiredness, but...”I trailed off as I saw the nurses exchange looks.I knew what they were thinking.Morning sickness was a sign of a healthy pregnancy.To not have any...well, it was something I’d thought of a few times myself.“My doctor confirmed the pregnancy a few weeks ago,” I told them.
No.I hadn’t had an ultrasound.
No.I wasn’t sure of my dates.
No.My periods hadn’t been regular since the last miscarriage.
No.I hadn’t heard the heartbeat.
No.
No.
NO!
I knew what they were saying.Or more specifically, not saying.
The older nurse, Connie, her name tag said, put her hand on my shoulder.“We’re going to take your vitals and we’ll get the doctor in here right away to check things out.Okay?”
I nodded.
There was no point asking whether everything was okay.I’d been through this before.A threatened abortion,one medical resident had called it the first time I’d miscarried.I would never forget her.Dr.Coffee.A suitable name for a resident, to be sure.She couldn’t have been older than twenty-two or twenty-three and definitely had never had children of her own.It was clear that she had no idea the heartache her three little words had caused.Especially considering we had lost that baby.I’d never forgotten her or her lack of caring.
But these nurses weren’t Dr.Coffee.They were kind and caring, and I could see the concern in their eyes as they ran their simple tests and took my vital signs.“Okay, Lexi,” the young blonde nurse, Jenni, said.“I’m just going to go get the doctor.Try to take deep breaths, okay?”
I nodded.I’d try.
The doctor came quickly, much faster than I’d expected.Or maybe time no longer had any meaning.He was young, but not too young.Not that it mattered.He smiled kindly but it didn’t do anything to calm my fears.I wondered where Leo was.
“Mrs.Mendez.”The doctor addressed me and it took me a second to realize he was talking to me.I was married.I was Leo’s wife, Mrs.Mendez.It seemed like a hundred years ago we’d said our vows to each other.“I’m Doctor Turner and I’m going to take care of you.”I nodded.“Your vitals look good,” he continued.“So we’re going to go ahead and do a quick ultrasound to see what’s going on, okay?”I nodded again.“There’s nothing to worry about, Mrs.Mendez.So I need you to try to stay calm, okay?”
I looked at him and finally said what I was thinking.“How can I not worry?”
“I know it seems scary, but often times, cramps and bleeding are perfectly normal.”
Often times.“And the other times?”
Doctor Turner looked at me, his lips pressed into a line.He didn’t need to say anything; we both knew exactly what the other times meant.“Let’s just get the ultrasound and see what we’re dealing with.Sound good?”
I nodded.“My husband...can he...”
It was the young blonde nurse who answered.“I’m sorry, Mrs.Mendez.It’s hospital policy to restrict visitors in the ER.It’s just too busy.I’m sure you understand.”
