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"Okay, you asked for it."It didn't take much to pry his arms away and start my tickle torture again."How about now?Ready to admit it?"
Ben managed a nod through his fit of giggles.I stopped and collapsed onto the bed next to him."You know," I said."I'll bring you a present even if you aren't in the wedding."
"You will?"Ben sat straight up and looked at me.His little face was returning to its normal color."Really?"
"Of course, silly.I'm going to miss you."I reached my arms out."Come give me a cuddle.Unless, of course, you're getting too old to cuddle your mom."
Ben flung himself on me, and I wrapped my arms around him.He smelt good.A mixture of fresh dug earth and the laundry soap I used.It was a mystery to me how my son could smell both clean and dirty simultaneously.But it was the smell of my little boy, and there was no better scent in the world.
"I'll never be too old, Mom," he said, his voice muffled into my chest.
I stroked his silky black hair."I certainly hope not, buddy.I'd be pretty sad if I didn't have your snuggles."
Ben wiggled out from my arms and sat up.He looked down on me, his face a serious mask."When I'm old, I'll live next door so I can cuddle you every day."
I smiled."I'd like that.But what will your wife say?"
Ben recoiled in horror."Eww.I'm never getting married.Don't be gross."
I pushed myself up from the bed and grabbed the sundress I'd abandoned."Don't worry, Ben.You'll change your mind, I promise.One day you'll find a very nice woman to marry and you'll love her very much."I tried my best to fold the dress and laid it on top of the pile I had started.
"Do you love Daddy?"
There was something in his voice that made me stop and look at him.He was sitting on top of the duvet, clutching a pillow to his chest.His hair was ruffled and sticking up in all directions.His deep brown eyes looked sad, but he was looking right at me.
"Of course I do," I said and sat down next to him on the bed."Why would you ask that?"
He ignored my question and asked another."Does Daddy love you?"
"Ben, what's this all about?"I reached for the pillow and took it from his hands.
"Does Daddy love me?"Ben whispered and looked down at his toes.
"Of course he does, sweetie."I grabbed his little hands.They were warm and a little sweaty in my own cool grasp.I gave him a gentle squeeze and asked, "What's going on?"
"Jake's daddy comes home and plays catch.He's gonna coach the team next year.Daddy doesn't do that."
My heart froze.I was such an idiot.How could I think Andrew's absence wouldn't affect Ben?
I took a deep breath and said, "You know that just because Daddy works hard, it doesn't mean he doesn't love us, right?"
Ben nodded but looked down.I tipped his chin up and looked into his eyes."Ben, you know that, right?Daddy loves you very much.That's why he works so hard."
"It's okay," he said."I don't really mind.But, Jake says you'll get a divorce if Daddy doesn't love us.Then you'll be sad."
For a moment, I thought the air had been sucked out of the room.I forced myself to take a breath and swallow hard without choking."Ben, Mommy and Daddy aren't going to get a divorce."
"I don't want you to be sad," he said, "and if you're alone, you'll be sad."
I needed to change the topic.
I mustered my bravest face and said with as much conviction as I could, "You don't need to worry about Mommy being lonely, okay?"
He nodded.
"Every family is different.Not every dad has the time to play catch and coach Little League teams.But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you."
Something had to change.Five-year-olds weren't supposed to worry about such things.
