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“This must be what those dogs at the shelter feel like.” Carine’s voice was more air than sound. “The ones that spot their person the moment they walk through the door. But their person decides that dog isn’t the right one for them because they weren’t what they’d gone in there to get. They think that dog is too shy or too scared or too excited and they go get themselves a dignified dog they can train to be good.”
Heidi wished she didn’t have a heart because, in her many wasted years of seeking, she’d forgotten what actual longing felt like. It was the other side of the coin from breaking up with someone. Longing was a debilitating condition that kept people up late at night, fretting andneeding.
She didn’t know if she had room for tumultuous emotions like that in her life. She was about to be someone’s grandmother, and she was supposed to have herself steady and gathered.
But she’d wasted all those years seeking, and the entire point of seeking had been tofind. She’d never heard of anyone being courageous in the search but cowardly about arriving at the potential prize.
“I never said I wanted a dignified dog,” she whispered and unhanded Carine’s wrist.
The dice were cast. All she could do was obey what they read. Fate had decided.
It was above her.
“All I ever wanted was someone who knew who she was getting, and if you think that’s you, Carine…” Heidi set her jaw and shoved her hand into her purse for her keys. “If you think that’s you, then good luck to you. Congratulations. You’ve got yourself a cynical blonde who’s the subject of half the world’s tall tales and who’s left whip marks on the other half. Did you know I plan my grocery trips based on who I know is working? There are only three cashiers who don’t look at me funny or throw the receipt into the bag without so much as a ‘Thank you’ or a ‘Have a nice day.’ The rest think I’m corrupted. That’s what you’re asking for.”
“God, Heidi, they’re not all doing that because they’re allergic to minding their own business. I’d bet most are hostile because they’re sick to death of seeing you and wishing they could be you. How have you lived this many years and not figured that out? Remember, Mercy was afraid to talk to you, too. You don’t realize how tall the pedestal you’re on is.”
Wishing they could be me?
Heidi didn’t even know how to begin picking apart the ludicrous assertion. Fortunately, she didn’t have much of a chance to try.
Carine pulled her along to the door of Heidi’s car and gestured to the key fob Heidi held. “Now, am I following you home, or should I drive back to Shora and berate myself for getting my wires crossed up so bad? Because I’m really good at the berating thing, and I wouldn’t even need your help at it.”
The crease of determination in Carine’s forehead and the persuading stance her body was braced in left no doubt in Heidi’s mind that Carine had done all the thinking she needed to. Heidi had asserted many times that it was her job to do the thinking, but sometimes submissives had the pesky habit of having their own minds.
Heidi unlocked her car door and tossed her bags onto the passenger seat. “If you follow me home,” she said in a deliberate tone, “you’re following me knowing I’m taking the gloves off now. Do you understand me, Carine?”
She didn’t wait for Carine to answer before starting the ignition. She tugged the seatbelt across her body and turned on the headlights.
“You show up at my front door, you better be ready. I’m not a woman to be trifled with. You think you know that. Well, I suppose you’ll see.” Heidi shut the door.
Carine got out of the way of traffic.
Heidi put her car on the road.
She looked back once at the stoplight and saw Carine standing at her driver’s side door, staring after her. Whatever Carine was doing, she was evidently in no rush.
Neither was Heidi.
But their slowness was undoubtedly for different reasons.
Heidi was going to do her damnedest to hope for the best. There was nothing she wanted more than what Carine thought she could give her. Heidi would be tranquil, settled, and disgustingly in love with a woman who loved her back, and she deserved it.
She knew she deserved it.
But for how long?
