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“Why?” After all the years, all she could utter was one word.
“You don’t have to forgive me, but I want you to know the reason I severed our relationship. I can’t allow you not to know the truth, especially now. After I assumed the title, I learned that my father had gambled away my inheritance. I was left penniless to cover the expenditures of the estate with no money. Hundreds of workers and servants depending on me for their livelihood. The bastard died, leaving me with his mess.”
“It must have been an awful shock. But it still doesn’t explain why you needed to act alone.”
“I didn’t want you anywhere near the disgrace when thetondiscovered the state of my finances. I loved you too much.”
“You loved me? It didn’t feel like it at the time.” She didn’t leave her room for a week after he left her, refusing to eat or speak with anyone. It was Alfie who dragged her literally out of her room and out of her misery. He helped her channel her broken spirit into her martial arts.
“I was filled with rage and believed I was destined to become my father.” He stared at the fire, avoiding eye contact.
Perdita wanted to tell him that nothing mattered but their love. That they could have faced it together. But Dash hadn’t needed her in a crucial moment in his life.
“You can’t understand—and I hope you never will—what it was like to grow up with a parent that hates you. You believe that you’re at fault no matter how much you try to please them.” He took her hand and rubbed his thumb along her palm. Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t seem aware of his actions.
“Now that I’m older, I understand that my father hated himself. But when I realized the only means to recoup the losses and save the estate was to gamble using my mathematical skills, it reinforced all my deepest fears. I was destined to be Beldon, a drunk and a gambler.”
“But why didn’t you tell me? I loved you. We could have married and used my dowry to help your estates.” Her voice quivered as the deeply buried pain surfaced. “You made me feel lovable and then left me. My parents might not have actively hated me, but their neglect was the same.”
“Oh, darling. I know I hurt you, but you must believe at the time, I thought you were better off without me. I couldn’t ask you to sacrifice yourself. The shame I felt being the angry, lonely boy who needed rescuing was nothing I wanted to feel again. I couldn’t ask you to save me. Again.”
“It was your pride and your inability to trust me…” She didn’t want to relive all the pain she saw reflected in his eyes and heard in his voice.
“I did trust you because I knew exactly what you would want to do—marry me and use your dowry. Roddy would have allowed the marriage since he was my friend and would have wanted to help too. And I couldn’t let you. Not out of pride. Knowing my family heritage, I never believed I deserved you even when I was destined to be a wealthy earl. But forcing you to marry me to save the estate, knowing someday you might regret or resent the choices I took from you was unbearable. You were so young.”
Would she have regretted marrying Dash? She wasn’t given a choice. She loved him and would have done anything for him. She hated having to accept any part of Dash’s reasoning. She wanted to hate him because if she didn’t her whole world was tilted upside down.
“And without me and any scandal associated with your name, you have become an incredible woman, the toast of the Season, able to choose anyone.” He smiled at her, the worry lines around his eyes softening as he pressed a kiss to her hand.
A glimpse of the tender, gentle Dash that she had loved was so familiar it hurt. She could believe the younger and loving Dash thought he was doing the right thing. Leaving her, he had forced her to grow in ways she never imagined and had made her stronger. If she had married, she would have children by now and no chance of starting a spy school. She always fantasized about having a large family with Dash, both committed to never letting their children suffer as they had.
“I had planned to win back my fortune and then beg your forgiveness… but then unplanned circumstances intervened. You must believe that not everything about me is true. I can’t yet share with you the reason why I must present myself as a degenerate drunk and gambler in society. Once we have Roddy home, I will explain and allow you to decide my fate. Our fate.”
Her brain was buzzing like a hive of agitated hornets. Was a future possible with Dash after all the hurt? They had both changed. “It is a lot to absorb.”
“It was selfish of me to tell you any of this tonight. Forgive me. All I wanted you to know is that you can depend on me to protect you and find Roddy. You have me. Always will.” He pressed another kiss to her hand. “There is nothing more for you to do tonight. You need to rest. I will return tomorrow and tell you everything I’ve learned at Haversham’s.”
Lost in her thoughts and the magical force surrounding them, his plans didn’t register. He wanted her to go to bed and do nothing. She pulled her hand away to stand, needing to assert herself. “You must come back after Haversham’s. I will not sleep without knowing what has transpired. Promise me you’ll return.” She couldn’t retire when she could help.
“It will be tricky work and may require hours. You’ve suffered a shock and need to rest.”
“You have also experienced a shock. Do you need to rest?” She arched her perfectly shaped eyebrow. “I will sleep when Roddy is home.”
“Pig headed,” he muttered under his breath but loud enough for her to hear. “I will return when I’m finished, but until then, promise me you’ll attempt to sleep. And you’re not to leave this house.”
“Yes, my lord. I am yours to command.” She curtsied, keeping her gaze down as a woman of breeding was expected to behave. The submissive position hid her smirk, knowing that Dash didn’t believe her obedient act. It was a game they had played as children.
His loud chuckle had her looking up. The blasted man had the nerve to be grinning.
“If only it were true, Perdita.” He raised one arched eyebrow in imitation and leaned closer. “It is one of my favorite fantasies.” His voice was husky and laced with innuendo.
Dita’s breath quickened at his promise and his closeness. Then he ruined it by batting her nose with one finger as if she were a child. “Rest.” And he was gone without a backward glance, the sound of his footsteps echoing down the hallway before Billy closed the door.
She was a stew of emotions and wasn’t sure she could discuss Dash with Emmy, feeling like she failed her friend by responding so easily to Dash, whom Emmy saw as a heartless rake. Their connection was complicated by past emotions and staggering desire and now his revelations. She had so many questions. And Dash had just complicated it more by pledging his love and denying his reputation. It was too much of everything to sort through. She had to focus on Roddy.
“Well, I’m definitely not going to rest,” Perdita spoke aloud to the empty room. “You would be tearing London apart if I disappeared, and I won’t fail you, Roddy.”
She needed to come up with her own plan of action while Dash pursued the gambling club. But first, she must get out of her ballgown. She couldn’t think with stays poking her ribs and hairpins sticking into her skull. She would not get any sleep with Roddy missing and her need to rehash every word and touch shared with Dash.
