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“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed,” Carlotta continues somberly, “but Giovanni shares this in common with his father. Not really of his own fault—Giuliano squashed any real compassion out of his boys young. He didn’t even let them grieve their mother when she passed. Giovanni just doesn’t understand certain feelings like you and I do.”
The unease in my stomach only intensifies. I suck in a shaky breath and let my gaze wander to the lush green view the terrace balcony offers. She’s going to tell me Giovanni sees me as a mistake; he thinks of me as his father thought of his mother.
Weak. Useless. Nothing but emotional baggage.
“I’m not feeling well,” I say. “I’m going to go lie down.”
“You’re missing my point,dolcezza. I’m telling you this because you say you’re not feeling well. I’ve watched almost every day as you’ve felt more and more unwell. I’m not trying to upset you by bringing up Rosana. I’m trying tosaveyou. For what it’s worth, because I can see the heartbreak unfolding on your face, I do believe your husband loves you. I just believe he does not know how to handle the love he feels.
“The power,” she says, sighing. “It’s doing what it does to almost all men eventually. Even good men. It’s driving him crazy. The more he gets, the less he seems to remember any humanity. I worry you won’t last as this goes on. I know the sight of a woman breaking down. This is why I say I did nothing before. I won’t make the same mistake twice.”
I shake my head. “Carlotta, I don’t get it…what are you trying to say?”
“You need to go. Save yourself. Your sanity. It’s your choice, but I don’t see the path you’re headed down ending well. I don’t think Giovanni will come to his senses in time to truly realize his error.”
“I can’t. There’s nowhere…” I don’t realize how sore my throat is until my voice breaks off. I wanted to saynowhere to run, but she gets the drift.
Carlotta reaches across the table and pats my hand. “I will look the other way when you do. I let Rosana fall prey to this life when I could’ve saved her. I turned my back when she was screaming for help. I can still hear them—her screams. I see the same desperation in your eyes. Go,dolcezza. I will leave the door to the sunroom unlocked. If you are quick and go along the eastern perimeter, you will find a narrow side street. Take a taxi to the local airport and buy a ticket to the most obscure small village you can. Make yourself disappear. Giovanni has his hands full. He is stretched very thin, though he is too prideful to admit it. He may never find you. I won’t tell a soul. I’ll give my own life before I do. It’s the least I can do, making things up to Rosana.”
Silence follows her offer. I can’t bring myself to say anything when I didn’t prepare to stand at such a crossroads. Deep within my core, I know she’s right. I’m holding on by a thread. I don’t know what that means. Just that I’ve never felt this…hopeless before.
There’s never any relief. Only more loneliness. More let-downs. More pills and screaming matches and empty beds.
Less care for my own life.
It honestly scares me. I don’t want to admit it, but in the bathroom, the glass had glinted up at me for a reason. I’d bent to touch it, telling myself I didn’t want Carlotta or the other staff to do it when really I wanted to feel the sharpness of the shard in my grasp…
I swallow hard and block out the rest of the dark thought.
“I can’t do it,” I mumble.
The thing is, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. The sentence applies to so many aspects of my life these days.
Carlotta comes around to my side of the table and embraces me. “If you decide to do so, the door will be unlocked. It is up to you. I just don’t want to see another bright woman lost to this lifestyle.”
With that, she’s gone. I’m alone on the terrace with only one of the security guards on the other end. I sigh and return my gaze to the lush green views.
This is the life I signed up for. I married a dominant, savage, all-powerful Mafia King. What did I think would end up happening to me? Why did I think I was any different than someone like Rosana?
Because Giovanni loves—orloved—me? In hindsight, it’s so incredibly foolish.
It takes a strong woman to survive this lifestyle. A woman willing to live in darkness alongside her King. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could remain who I am, bright and full of life, and manage to adapt too. Clearly, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve tried and I’ve failed. Even the brightest star goes out eventually.
Carlotta’s right. I won’t survive much longer. You can say the same for life on the run. I could die at any moment. Suffer a fate even more gruesome than Rosana met. It’s not a life of guarantee. It’s a life of even more danger than being locked away under Giovanni’s surveillance. One where I’ll always be looking over my shoulder in paranoia.
But even so, it’s better than this. It’sfreedom. The cost of that freedom, whether it’s punishment crueler than ever before or even an early death, is worth it. I guess it speaks to how desperate and hopeless I am. I’d rather experience a few sunny days of freedom than live a lifetime of imprisonment.
When I’ve made up my mind, I go into the bedroom and carefully pack a small bag. Only essentials like my wallet, passport, a modest change of clothes, and some personal items. I pull out a pen and paper and sit down to write a goodbye note.
Giovanni,
I stop there, and then cross it out and begin again:
Giovanni,Gio,
I have only ever loved you. Even when I hated you. I’m sorry…but I have to.
Falynn
Tears track down my cheeks and nose and splatter onto the crisp white paper. I fold it in half and slide it under the untouched pillow that would be his if he ever came to our bed. Though this isn’t my first time leaving Giovanni, something grave and final about the moment tells me this time, good or bad, life or death, will be my last.
