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13: Ronan
I’m up early on the second day of the conference. I’d like to pretend Selene didn’t get to me last night, but that would be a lie. She did. It isn’t that she doesn’t trust me after I blew her off five years ago. She’s right—I did blow her off, and she doesn’t have any reason to believe I wouldn’t do it again. I’ve had a lot of casual flings, and I’m not an idiot. I know when a woman wants more, and that’s when I bail. It means I have a lot of women in my past who probably hate me, but I’ve never had it in me to give them what they want. I’m great at swooping in, showing a woman a good time, and blowing her mind in bed. Anything more than that? It isn’t my area. That gets into territory I don’t want to explore, and I’ve never been particularly tempted.
Until Selene.
I think that’s why hearing her say when it’s over was a kick to the nuts. She can see something happening between the two of us, but she can see the end as clearly as the beginning.
Why does that bother me?
I haven’t contemplated a relationship with a future in a very long time. Women come in and out of my life, and I never worry about where it’s going. We enjoy each other for a time, and move on. I’ve been content with that, happy to focus on my career and building my business.
But Selene’s assumption that she and I would be temporary … it hurt. That’s so fucked up I didn’t even know how to respond to her. I should have been able to smile and make a joke about being so good I’m unforgettable. But I couldn’t. It was all I could do to look her in the eyes and say goodnight.
I feel dead inside. It’s not unfamiliar. I feel this way a lot. It creeps up on me, and I realize I need to do something to jump start my heart again, like it’s gone cold in my chest.
There’s no way I can sit through a bunch of bullshit sessions today. I shouldn’t blow this off—there are valuable opportunities for networking at this conference—but it isn’t going to happen. I turn on my laptop, and after a quick search I find what I’m looking for. I need to get out of here—out of the hotel, out of the city. I need to do something to clear my head and flip my switch back to On. Otherwise, I’m going to find myself in a darker place than I want to be.
Forty-five minutes later, I’m driving out of Denver in a rental car to meet a climbing guide. He brought gear for two, since I don’t have mine, and we hike out to the climbing spot.
Perched on a rock face, high above the ground, my adrenaline kicks in. I haul myself upward, pushing my speed, aching to get higher. The deadness melts away, replaced by the rush of danger. A wingsuit jump would have been better, but rock climbing was the best I could do on short notice. I take a deep breath of the fresh, clean air, and feel my lungs expand.
I look down at the ground, so far beneath me. I’m high enough that I’d smash against the rocks if I fell. Euphoria takes me, holds me in its grasp. My muscles burn as I climb, sweat dripping down my back. My heart pumps hard, and the deadness is gone.
The guide and I spend half the day climbing. He’s a perfect match for me—experienced, with knowledge of the area and no need to make small talk. By the time I head back in to Denver, my head is clear. I feel awake again. Alive. A good climb was just what I needed.
It’s late afternoon, and I take a much-needed shower in my room. I had a text from Selene, asking about lunch, and told her I’d meet her for dinner. I have some time, so I meet up with a few contacts in the hotel bar.
Selene walks in, and with my head still buzzing from my climb, she’s almost irresistible. I’m overcome with the desire to grab her and claim that delicious mouth with mine. I don’t give a fuck about her rules, or who’s watching.
The hesitance in her eyes stops me. I take a deep breath and get my shit under control. I could probably talk her into spending the night with me. She’d be reluctant, but I can be very convincing.
The crazy thing is, I don’t want her like that. I want something more from Selene than just another hookup. We had that once, and as incredible as it was, it wouldn’t be enough. She needs to want me as much as I want her. She needs to let me in.
This is uncharted territory for me, but fuck if it isn’t extending my climbing high.
“Where have you been all day?” she asks as she takes a seat at the bar next to me.
“I went rock climbing.”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course,” I say. “What did I miss?”
Selene fills me in her day. She made some good contacts and the keynote speech sounds like it was worth the time to hear.
“What made you decide to go rock climbing?” she asks. “Was that part of your plan, or did you just take off this morning?”
“I took off,” I say. “I needed to clear my head.”
“I can understand that,” she says.
The bartender brings the dirty martini I already ordered for her.
“Thanks,” she says and takes a sip.
I wasn’t planning on talking to her about this yet, but my gut tells me it’s time. “Selene, I need to bring you in on something.”
She lifts her eyebrows. “What?”
