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“I know,” he says. “I’ve never thought of it as guilt. But that accident changed me. I stopped feeling fear. I guess I figured if I lived through that, nothing was going to kill me. So I started taking bigger and bigger risks. The rush was addicting. It was the only time I felt real. The only time I felt alive. I started chasing the high, going after bigger and bigger challenges. It wasn’t just the sports, although it felt like nothing would ever be high enough, or fast enough. I lived for any kind of challenge. It was the only thing that made me feel like I hadn’t died at the bottom of that cliff.”
“Then why were you scared of me?”
“Because you trusted everything to me,” he says. “Your career. Your body. Your life. Your heart. After we went skydiving, all I could think about was how I failed Chelsea. I didn’t save her. What if it happened again? What if something happened to you? I didn’t think I could live through that again.”
“Ronan, you can’t expect to protect me from everything,” I say. “Even if I never jump out of an airplane again, I could get killed just driving home from work.”
“I know. It wasn’t just the thought of you dying. I realized how deep I was with you. Your whole life was wrapped up with mine. It scared the shit out of me, and I’m a man who hasn’t felt fear in years. I didn’t know how to cope with it. But the truth is…” He gets close and wraps his hand around the back of my neck again. “No matter how much you scare me, you’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel alive that isn’t likely to kill me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Since the accident, I’ve fluctuated between feeling dead inside and being high on adrenaline. There was no in between. I was either riding a rush, or craving the next one. With you, I feel calm but alive. I feel whole. Balanced. And the longer we were together, the longer that feeling lasted. It wasn’t just when you were near; the feeling would stay. Normally I’d be jumping out of airplanes or off of cliffs every chance I get. But you were magic, Selene. I don’t know how, but you smoothed out all my edges.”
His lips brush against mine, just a whisper. “I am so sorry for hurting you. I let fear get the better of me and I acted like a complete asshole. You’re beautiful and perfect, and fuck, I love you so much.” He closes his eyes. “Please let me kiss you. I’ll go if you tell me to leave, but god I need to kiss you right now.”
I give him the slightest nod and his lips come to mine. He lights me up; my body comes alive at his touch. He doesn’t hold back. He coaxes my lips apart with his tongue, opening me to him. His kiss is deep and pure.
He pulls away and touches my cheek. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize the truth.”
“What truth?”
“That you’re the only risk worth taking.”
He kisses me again, and I thread my arms around his neck. All the tension I’ve been carrying melts away at the feel of his body pressing against mine. He wraps me in his arms, holding me close.
“Are you sure you’re not just chasing what you can’t have again?” I ask.
“No,” he says, looking me in the eyes. “When it comes to you, I don’t need the chase. I love you, Selene. I always will.” He leans his forehead against mine.
I smile. “I love you too, Ronan. I love you too.”
