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BEAU
Isat on the now empty beach, watching as the last of the people left for the day as dusk fell. The warmth of the sand finally cooling at the setting of the sun, and I brought my knees to my chest, resting my cheek on them. The feeling of solitude and loneliness spread through my veins, the dark tendrils of what I now knew to be my depression filling the spaces in my brain, taking hold.
It was now or never, I decided. There would never be a better time. I wouldn’t be missed, not by my sister, not by my ex-boss, nor by the man I’d come to love.
I stood, brushing the sand from my jeans, laughing softly at the absurdity of the action. It didn’t matter anyway, and very soon nothing would matter. It would all be quiet. My mind would finally be at peace.
I stood, taking a tentative step forward into the chilled water, not bothering to remove my shoes this time. I remembered the last time we were here, when we’d laughed and kissed and eaten ice cream. But I knew in my heart it was never meant to be. I was never meant to be happy. I had a price to pay for my past actions, and this was it.
I waded further in, the water reaching my knees, and I felt the ebb and flow of the sea as it tried to take my feet. Not yet, though, I wasn’t ready, hadn’t suffered enough yet.
And I deserved to suffer—for everything.
I shivered as it reached my thighs, my hands dragging slowly through the now frigid water, goosebumps erupting on my bare arms.
I knew the water would take me soon, the tide was strong here, but I wouldn’t stop… I couldn’t stop until I’d done what I set out to do.
The wind had picked up now, the sound of the surf filling my ears until I was deaf to anything else. The water was up to my chest, and I knew that soon, it would be my time. I was okay with that. I’d come to terms with it and was ready to pay the ultimate price.
I realised all of it had been my fault, my parents and now Megan. I’m not sure she’d forgive me, but then, I wasn’t sure I’d forgiven myself, could ever forgive myself for what I’d done. And Kwan, I’d become so obsessed with him, I’d pushed him away into the arms of another man.
And this was my penance. This was my final sacrifice.
One more step. That’s all it would take, just one more step.
“Beau.” A distant shout, and I turned quickly at the muffled sound, my shoes finally losing contact with the firm sand.
I went under, spluttering, trying to get my footing, struggling to find my feet.
Shit. I broke the surface of the water, drawing in a ragged breath, managing to take another before being dragged under again. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe it wasn’t my time after all.
I panicked, flailing my arms, trying to stay above the water that now flooded my mouth and lungs.
Oh, God. I couldn’t breathe, and my chest burned with the effort as I tried desperately to hold my breath and stop the water from getting into my body.
No, not like this. This was a mistake. I didn’t want to die like this. I didn’t want to die, but it was too late, and I slipped beneath the surface of the water, sinking into the deep, dark recesses of the sea.
This was my end, the end of Beau. The end of beautiful Beau, and I was sorry.
So very sorry.
