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That request is an impossibility. I gave him her, but she no longer feels like she used to—too ragged, too broken, too dangerous to touch.
“I want the girl I knew to come back.”
“We’re way too far gone for that. This isn’t about coming back to who we were. Too much has happened for that.”
“Darling girl…”
“Don’t call me that. Stop calling me that.”
When he first called me by it, I lost all sense of everything. It was stupid to enjoy the sound of an old nickname and revel in the sentiment of it, but soon I took notice of the tone he used when he called me by it. There was no romance to it, no sentimental value. It’s a derogatory term now.
I’m tarnished, and so is that nickname.
“No,” he bites back, stepping closer. “No one’s ever come close to you, Talia. No one.”
“Let me guess, you tried?” I remark, my sarcasm a whip lashing out. “Tried all the girls to see how they fit.”
“No.” His eyes sadden slightly. “I never tried because no one would come close. You broke me.”
“But Cassie…”
“She kept the bed warm.” His admittance is one he’s clearly not happy with, but choices had to be made and he’s accepted them. “She was never you, and I fucking hate you for that.”
“I guess soon you’ll have the chance to really live without me, and I’ll be in that grave with my father.”
Beckett growls in response, the sound almost animalistic.
Apparently, now is not the time for sarcastic comments.
“I want you to shed some normal, human emotion, Natalia. I thought I saw it when I shot Andreas, but I know that was all for effect. What’s going to force you to break?”
I can’t stop the sad smile that spreads on my lips, pulling on the cut Alistair forced upon them.
“You can’t break what’s already broken.”
Suddenly, his hands are on me. Fingers wrapped around my biceps, holding me in place, keeping me prisoner to this moment, forcing me to feel every bit of electricity flowing through us both.
“What happened seven years ago?” He doesn’t really ask, he demands. “Something more than me happened to you.”
“Oh, no. You definitely don’t get to lose any of the blame.” I try in vain to shake him off. “You said I broke you, but you broke me. You had a hand in this too. You made choices you can’t take back. You di-”
“I didn’t do anything! You keep saying I did, but I didn’t do a fucking thing but love you! I fucking loved you, Natalia, with everything I had, and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”
There’s something in the way his confession slices the air. It rocks me to the very core. He’s said those words before, but they didn’t hit the way they are now. There’s a conviction to his tone that tells me he’s finally unravelling, and that’s when I start to see things differently too.
Suddenly, every dark cloud that followed me starts to clear, and my eyes water. I never had anyone to talk to in the wake of what happened. No one was there to confide in and help make sense of the world, and that only made everything harder to bear. I took risks without much thought to consequences, I made comments that didn’t enamour me to people, and I decided it was better to make people fear me rather than love me.
And that’s how I ended up at the coronation believing I was coming back for good on my terms, not Beckett’s.
“What I’m about to say changes everything.” And jeopardises everything. “If I tell you, then there is no coming back.”
“Tell me,” he grinds out between clenched teeth. “Natalia…”
“Fine, but you asked for it.”
I start to carefully piece together everything that’s happened before this moment, but I make sense of something in the wake of Beckett’s reaction to his father and me. While he wasn’t as cutting as I thought he would be, Beckett seemed defeated. It was as if seeing his father pinning me down solidified a rumour he needed cementing.
“Would you believe me if I said I never slept with your dad?” I ask, and immediately I see the answer on his face. “Of course not, because I’ve apparently given you no real reason to believe me, have I?”
