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Which is why I'm fucking terrified she's going to run. I lost the ability to control my fears. This woman submits her trust in me and allows me the gift of my control in every aspect that I ask. Her trust is given and comes without question or doubt. How fucked up is it that I can't even give her the same type of respect when she's given me no reason to think she might be like the other women I've known in the past? And I'm not sure what upsets me the most--that she might really be unable to handle my career or that I might not ever be able to enjoy the best thing I know will ever happen to me because I'm too fucked up to give her my complete trust.
"ARE YOU EXCITED FOR YOUR trip next week?" Ember asks, turning to look at me over her shoulder from her paint station in the corner of her studio.
I give Quinnie one more bite of her mushed up and disgusting looking baby food and glance over her mussy brown ringlet baby head to smile at my best friend. "I am. Even though watching my Quinnie-Q-Moosie-Moo is the easiest job in the world, it will be nice to just get away and spend some one-on-one time with Shane, you know? Recharge with some quality time with no distractions before coming back and focusing on getting some applications in at a few schools I heard were hiring."
"You and Shane sound like you're going strong," she muses with a smile, still puttering around with her painting supplies.
Something shifts inside me, the same twinge I've felt for the past couple of weeks. I know he's busy getting everything set up for this upcoming unveiling of Dirty's Filthy night, but he just seems ... I don't know, somewhat out of reach.
"He's stolen my heart, Em."
She stops what she's doing at that and turns the smile up, pure happiness. "You love him?"
I nod. "Yeah."
She frowns, turning to give me a contemplative study, leaning against the edge of the counter and crossing her arms. "Why does that make you look like someone just kicked a puppy in front of you?"
Quinnie makes a noise, and I give her another spoonful of her disgusting food. She's only eating this stuff sporadically, but I can't wait until she's fully on solids. She sticks her tongue out and blows, spitting some of her mush back out--saving me from having to answer right away.
"He's being weird," I finally admit, wiping Quinnie's mouth and shrugging at Ember.
"Weird as in normal Shane weird, or weird as in something else?"
"I feel like something's bothering him, but he doesn't want to discuss it with me. You know we're together more often than not. I think we've spent five nights, if that, apart in the past month. There isn't anything we don't discuss, but the second we start to change the topic to work or things with the Filthy night, he gets weird. I don't know how to explain it, Em. Maybe it's in my head, but I just can't shake it."
"And you asked him? To see what he says?"
I think back to all the times he's said or done something off recently. "Straight out? Not really. He just says that things are a little crazy at Dirty, and that's it. But I know it's not all. Something's there ... I just can't seem to sift through what he isn't telling me to hear it."
She moves and comes to sit next to me, giving her daughter a kiss on the way. We both get distracted when Quinnie starts banging on her high chair, babbling the baby words only she understands. Finally, she takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.
"You know what I see when I watch you two together?"
"What?" I ask on a breath.
"I see two people who care about each other deeply. I see a woman who, despite not having the best experiences to move on easily, is doing just that. You trust him to be your happiness, giving him your all, and I love that about you. Shane, while I'm sure had dated before he was with Lacey, has always been more cautious, but he still looks at you like you're the most precious thing to him. The rest of life can get choppy at times, Nik. It did for Nate and me as well, but if you don't come out and ask Shane what's bothering him, you're just doing the both of you a disservice."
"What if he wants to break up?" I question, voicing the one thing that's been bothering me for a while.
Ember chuckles, shaking her head. "Sweetheart, he doesn't want to break up."
I lean back in the chair and look up at the ceiling, the sun's rays making shadows on the stark white surface.
"Tomorrow. I'll talk to him tomorrow. I don't want to stress him out tonight. Not with the big opening. Hell, I had to remind him to get me a pass with the new security crew they brought in to man the door tonight. I don't know, Em. Maybe I'm being stupid and it's just that, his stress."
"Only one way to find out, babe," she smarts, tapping me with her shoulder and laughing. "Why don't you head on home and get ready for tonight? I'm done here anyway. Quinnie can come with me to talk to Annabelle at the gallery."
"I wish you were coming tonight."
"Trust me, you're going to have more fun without me there. Plus, you'll just watch Shane dance then pull him up to the office to take care of what that boy's hips do to you."
I laugh, feeling a little more lighthearted. "Like you wouldn't be doing the same to Nate."
She lifts one shoulder, smirking. "Oh, I would. I made him show me the dance he plans on doing tonight. Since I probably won't get to a Filthy night until after I have the baby, I wanted to get a private VIP show. If Shane plans on doing even half the things that Nate showed me, watch out, girlfriend, because you'll be liable to end up pregnant just by watching."
We both giggle, wiping away tears.
"The crowd is going to go insane, Nik," she continues, cleaning her daughter up after she spits out another mouthful, clearly finished with her lunch. "If we thought the girls ate them up before, you just wait."
"Does it ever bother you?"
"Not really. I mean, sure Nate is flaunting his body and making other women crave him, but at the end of the day, he's married to me. He's coming home to me and Quinnie, and there isn't a woman around who could jeopardize that."
I move my head to agree. "And knowing that they're yours makes it even hotter."
"You aren't wrong, girlfriend," she says, snorting a little with her giggle.
"Shane and I aren't as committed as you and Nate, but I still know he wouldn't stray. Even if he was stripping it all off like he used to, I think I would still feel the same way. He's mine and I'm his. The rest is just a
show."
I laugh to myself thinking about how true that last part used to be. I'm so thankful that my fake boyfriend turned out to be, hopefully, my forever one.
I help Ember get the rest of Quinnie's mess cleaned up, and after making sure she doesn't need help with anything before we both head out, I promise to call her later as I head home to get ready for tonight.
Shane left super early this morning. Having crashed at my place, he gave me his own brand of lovemaking all night long, and I didn't even hear him get up this morning. Other than a few brief texts to say hey and chat throughout the day, I haven't wanted to bother him, knowing he would be beyond busy getting things ready for tonight. When they decided to pull the trigger on Filthy, I had no doubt that both he and Nate would be dancing on the first night. They both get off on the high from their spotlight dances, something they haven't needed to do much of lately. They have only filled in here and there when they do, but it was that love of performing and the high from the crowd that would pull them both down equally once in a while to give a show.
I had asked Shane a few weeks ago what it was about dancing at Dirty that he loved so much, and he said much of the same. Stripping was the only thing that he knew after his mom died. He wasn't just trying to finish school, but after she passed, he found himself raising his sister until a few years back when she started school herself. He still very much supports her, but it's not the same now. Still, even though stripping had started out as a way to guarantee a roof over their heads, he loved it.
When it boils down to it, I think it also has a lot to do with his control issues. He can get up there and let loose, blow off some stress, and he knows he is in charge of how much or how little he gives to those watching him. At least, that's how I perceive it. It's also a big part of why I love him. Stripping got him through a big loss but was also how he survived. It's part of my man ... the man I love.
Now if I could just get him to let me in the rest of the way and prove that he's not the only one shouldering the stresses of his life anymore. Then, well ... then I'll have it all.
