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His clothes weren’t tight, but they also weren’t loose, so I could make out the muscles of his upper back working as he moved. I let my eyes drop to his ass.
He had a nice ass.
Definitely an athlete’s ass. Round and firm and filled his sweatpants.
I swallowed hard, feeling slightly guilty at watching him. But then again, it wasn’t like he didn’t know I was here.
He had to have heard the bathroom door open.
He knew I was watching, but he let me have my time.
Pulling my shoulders back, I took a deep breath and answered his first question, my eyes focused on the center of his back.
“I came to Colorado because I needed a hard reset after watching you tell a beautiful woman the very words you’ve told me since I was eleven years old.” Ryan’s upper body stiffened. “I needed out of the apartment that held memories of you.” He flipped off the hot plate and turned, but I kept my eyes plastered to the center of his chest. “I needed away from the complex that you lived just down the hall. I needed to not see Mitch and be reminded that you weren’t there and instead, were with another woman.”
Ryan moved now, coming near, and it took all of me to not take a step back.
To hold firm in my spot.
My heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t get in enough oxygen, but I had to do this. I had to finish this.
I had to get it all out.
“I didn’t have an obligation,” I admitted, still avoiding his face even though he now stood two feet in front of me. “I just couldn’t pretend to be happy for you when I was slowly dying inside.”
I swallowed hard before answering the next of his questions—one of the things I learned early on in my therapy was I had hyperthymesia. An extremely detailed autobiographical memory. “I hesitated in applying at O’Gallagher’s because I was still reeling from my twenty-first birthday and I was having a hard time being around you. It was easy to pretend everything was fine from a distance, but knowing that I’d be spending even more time with you... It was difficult for me. And then you and Mitch moved into the same complex I’d moved into after college...and it was almost too much.”
Finally, I dared myself to move my focal point and blinked, opening my eyes so they landed on his face.
A face that seemed closed off of any emotion. His eyes were focused on my face. His mouth was relaxed.
But nothing gave way to what he was feeling.
“Ryan, you are my one constant in life. Have been for as long as I remember. I had two parents who were supposed to love and support me, but only one seemed to sign on for that job. The other, no matter how hard I tried, I continuously disappointed. Even now, I’m a disappointment to her. I’m learning that that’s on her, that I shouldn’t own those feelings. But the only other person who has been in my life for longer than a few years is you, and it would absolutely kill me to lose your friendship.
“I want to be able to talk to you when things go bad,” I continued, even though tears began to threaten. “I want to be able to support you in everything that you do. But I want to be able to support you and not feel like I’m drowning, which is why I was such a terrible friend when you left. I was drowning. And then with that last episode with Bella...I felt like I was being swept away by the current. I don’t know how to be your friend right now. Not when you’re moving on, and I’m still stuck in my head, on July twenty-first.”
I swallowed hard and forced myself to stand still, to not retreat.
“I want to be happy for you when you find the woman of your dreams,” my voice cracked but I held on, keeping my eyes trained on his. When his mouth parted to speak, I kept going. “I want to watch you get married and have babies, and raise them to be the most perfect little humans. I want to be happy being Aunt Savvy. And I know that I’ll get there. I just have to get all of these feelings off my chest. I can’t keep them bottled up. If there’s one night I regret, it’s my birthday. For three years, I haven’t been able to let it go, and in doing so, I’ve single-handedly strained our friendship. And I’m sorry. I’m a terrible friend.”
I shook my head, proud that I owned my feelings but sad that I had to put them to voice. Sad that they would likely firmly change the course of our friendship.
All I had left were my apologies. So I whispered them again. “I’m so sorry.”
