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Lizzie
AsIwatchthe sun rise over the trees, I’m almost thankful for my sleepless night. Getting to watch the sunrise is like a literal silver lining. Beautiful rays of champagne gold streaked with brilliant white begin to pierce the cloud cover. The gloomy gray is turning to chilly ivory before my eyes. Cold but beautiful. I pull the blanket closer around my shoulders, and hug my cup between my palms. The master balcony is wide and gives a fantastic view but it’s also unprotected and the dawn breeze flirts with the edges of the blanket. Steam rises from my cup and heat seeps into my fingers, but I still shiver.
Insomnia is my friend on nights when my mind can’t rest. It was with me when Dad got his diagnosis. Again, when he was drifting towards the end. Then there had been the night Nick was in the ICU after the accident when we’d waited and prayed. In vain.
But last night had been the first time in months that I’d not slept a wink.
After leaving Caleb’s, I’d come back to the Jessop house. It had taken me a half-hour through the woods, but the route is familiar to me by now and night had only fallen completely by the time I hit the town lights. I’d been perfectly safe.
Not that it had stopped me from imagining the sound of Caleb’s truck every few minutes. As if he might be driving behind me, making sure I got back in one piece.
It was wishful thinking.
I’d reached the house alone, headed inside, and found David already settled in for the night. Upright, with his back against one of the finished walls, he’d looked up from the book he’d been reading and didn’t say a thing. One glance at my face had been enough. Like a true friend, he’d just lifted one side of the blankets and let me crawl in next to him.
The warmth had been nice. Laying next to a sleeping David had made me feel safe and secure. Especially when he’d rolled over, sleepily wrapped an arm around my waist, and snuggled into my back. It had been cozy.
But it hadn’t felt like home.
The arms had been wrong. His shape had been strange against me. The scent of him, not at all bad, had just been… out of place.
“What exactly do you think a home is?”David had said. “It’s not a house… It’s the people.”
Last night had proven just how true those words were. David had been everything. Warm, kind, protective… and I love him dearly. He had all the makings of a good home. And yet… it wasn’t. He wasn’t. And, by extension, neither was the house.
Looking back over my shoulder, I imagine the path through the master bedroom, down the staircase, and out to the rear of the property where David’s bed is set up in the dining room.
Despite how close we are, I feel less at home in my new house with David sleeping right beside me than I do on the days Caleb and I are working on the place.
David had spelled it out loud and clear yesterday. Caleb had said something similar weeks ago about how the Forge is home to him because of the people here. At the time, I’d ignored them both.
I’d been stupid.
I’d filled my head with window orders and paint swatches, with the dodgy carburetor on Polly Jensens’ station wagon, and the beauty I might help bring out in Alice the librarian. Anything and everything I could find to distract myself.
“That’s what the Forge is to you, right? Your playground to come in and fix up so you don’t have to think about your real life.”
I wince as Caleb’s anger ricochets around my head.
My real life…
The ‘real life’ where I would have been the first to know about Sasha’s art show. Where David would come with me when I visit mom. Where my brother’s complaints about medical school would be over breakfast instead of over email.
The ‘real life’ that had taken Nick and my father.
A month ago, my life had felt like Swiss cheese, missing key people and special places. But now? Now it feels whole again. No longer hollow and painful, but invigorating, busy, and full. Each void has been taken over with something new. I’d found some of the fixes in my work with Jace. With the friendships I’ve made there and the tasks that keep my mind and hands engaged. Other gaps have been turned into something new with fresh, blooming connections like with Alice and her sister. Hell, just the adventure of trying to find which place has the better coffee.
And then there’s Caleb.
I sigh and lean my weight against the balcony rail. It squeaks a little but holds steady. I take a sip from my cup and feel the warmth spread through my face and down my throat.
I’m not sure where to place Caleb anymore. Especially after last night. I had been sure it was Caleb’s house I’d walked into, but the man I’d met on the other side, he’d been a shadow of the Caleb I know. A dark and tormented shadow.
One that had seemed set on conflict and all the hurt that came with it.
Groaning, I collapse a little heavier onto the rail, my head on my folded arms and my fingertips holding my cup over the edge by its rim.
How had everything gotten so screwed up, so fast?
