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Never got the chance
(Blakely)
Jess came up to my room and held out a Starbucks coffee. “Why are you still in bed?”
I sobbed. “I broke it off with Liam last night.”
She put the coffee down on the side table and perched on the edge of my bed, her face a grimace. “Aw, honey, I would have put money on you not listening — you listened?”
I nodded, continuing to sob. “I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t want to lead him on, but now my heart is breaking.”
“I know you’re sad but we just need to get up. Karrie has set you up an appointment for a wax in an hour, lunch reservations, then a manicure, your final fitting is at four p.m., then bed early. Tomorrow we have hair and makeup, the...” Her voice trailed off because I kept crying.
“He’s the best thing, like he’s my favorite thing...”
“I know it feels like that, but that’s just the newness of it. You’ll get over it—”
“I won’t. I just... Can you ask if I can come in later? I need...” I blew my nose. Then I sobbed harder and pulled the covers over my head.
“I have never known you to cancel an appointment, Blakely. You’re usually prompt and responsible — what gives?”
“You should have heard him, his voice, when I told him. He is all alone and I...”
She sighed. “He’s all alone in a tiny little town, it’s not your fault. You live three thousand miles away. You aren’t responsible for his life.”
“I just can’t right now.”
Jess said, “Okay, hon, I’ll go call Karrie and rearrange your appointments.”
She left the room.
* * *
Forced out of bed at 3 pm, I went to get a manicure.
Jess said, talking to herself as she drove, “You’re usually professional enough to carry on even when shit is going wrong. Your marriage fell apart and you carried on with your hike, you ran your agency and are negotiating your business contracts, while going through a vicious divorce — you are usually committed to your schedule...”
I watched the city slide by my window as we wound down from my hillside house, thinking about the trees through the window of Liam’s truck. “I am very responsible, true.”
She looked at me over her driving arm. “Are you sure this isn’t some delayed response to your marriage falling apart? You put all your feelings into Liam and now—”
“I’m sure — he was the love of my life.”
“And you never even touched him?”
I said, “I never got the chance.”
* * *
For dinner we had açaí bowls because, “I,” as Jess said, “didn’t want to bloat.”
I glowered. “What I really want is a tube of raw cookie dough and to eat it with a spoon.”
“That’s because you’re acting like a toddler.”
“Yes, a toddler wouldn’t care if they fit in their dress or not, maybe that’s a good thing.”
“You’re forgetting that the biggest issue here is that you want to look hot, you want envy-revenge on your ex. It means no bloating.”
