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Lexie
Ithadbeensix months since she lost Oliver. A long six months without the man of her dreams by her side. She slipped through every stage of grief along the way.
The first was denial—he wasn’t actually gone, he was just running late. The night of the accident she ran home expecting him to be there, ready to find him sitting in his favorite recliner reading a book in his office. Then she convinced herself he was just working late at school. The anger fumed from every crevice of her soul, aimed at the student he must have stayed late to help. Then came anger at the road conditions that night. Then anger at a God she didn’t believe in for taking the man she loved from her so soon. The bargaining started with the doctors at the hospital, begging them to save him. She needed them to give him just one more day—one more procedure—one more test. And then came depression. The depression that wrapped her into a cocoon, suffocating her from the inside out. She was left hollow, unable to leave the house, to talk to friends, or accept this new reality.
She promised herself she wouldn’t wallow, and she knew Oliver would never want her to give up on life. If he were here he’d sit through the pain with her, but he’d also help her find a way out. She gave herself the freedom to grieve, but picked up the pieces of her broken heart and packed the love she held for Oliver back into a tiny box.
She had finally come to accept her reality. While death was a welcoming beacon to her friends, it wasn’t something she had ever encountered herself. Having the first real experience of loss to be the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with broke her. She knew life would never be the same. She wasn’t sure she could ever be the Lexie she once had been, but she had accepted the truth. Oliver Davis was gone from his earthly home, but she knew she’d see him again.
She never would have gotten through the last several months without the care and attention from her therapist, Eileen, with whom she visited weekly. She lowered herself into the plush cushions of the couch in Eileen’s office preparing for one of her final weekly sessions.
“So, tell me how things have been going,” she started, softly. Lexie moved her attention to Eileen, taking in her round features and the way her icy eyes glimmered from the light shining in through the window shades. Behind her, bookshelves spanned from floor to ceiling. During Lexie’s first few appointments with Eileen,
she memorized nearly every book title lined along that wall while refusing to open up.
Lexie released a sigh, leaning back into the chair. “I took your advice and put myself out there,” she said, pausing briefly. “There was a speed-dating thing at the brewery a few weeks ago. Despite nearly all of my friends being in serious relationships, they tagged along, encouraging me to actually walk through the door,” she chuckled slightly at the memory of Avanna and Sedona speed-dating with each other, always sticking around near her table so they could eavesdrop.
“And? How did it go?” she asked, tapping the back of her pen against her notepad.
“Honestly, it was a lot of fun to get back into the community. The prospect of dating is still strange to me,” she said with a shift of her seat. “I get stuck in this thought process that I’m not allowed to date because I should be grieving Oliver and then I get frustrated because I should be grieving differently than I am, not trying speed-dating when the ground above his casket hasn’t even flattened yet.”
“And what did we talk about last time regarding the grief process, do you remember?”
Lexie sighed. Of course, she remembered; it was something she had tried to remind herself of on a daily basis. “There’s not one correct way to grieve.”
“Correct. You will always miss Oliver. Some days are going to be harder than others and one day you might feel like yourself again just to fall back into the sadness of grief days later.” Lexie nodded in acknowledgment before Eileen continued. “Grief is like glitter--once you spill it in your house, you’ll find pieces of it for years to come.”
“It just doesn’t seem fair, you know? Like I shouldn’t be able to pursue a relationship when I’m still missing Oliver.”
“So last time we talked about taking that first step and getting your toes wet by going to a community event, which it sounds like you did. The next step doesn’t have to be diving into a relationship. Give yourself the freedom to figure out what feels good, what feels right.” She paused for a moment. “And if you find that you’re just not ready, that’s fine too. Table the process until you feel more confident about how much of yourself you can give to someone else.”
Lexie allowed herself to imagine, for just one second, what it would be like to go on an actual date with someone that wasn’t Ollie and a shiver ran across her body. She wanted to experience intimacy with someone. She wanted to relish in the joy that comes from first dates and the butterflies that come with a true connection with another human. “Part of me feels like I’m ready to get back out there. I don’t want anything long term...at least I don’t think I do, but I do have needs, ya know?” Lexie’s face blushed red and she dipped her head down, avoiding eye contact.
Eileen laughed from across the room. “Of course!” She shut the notebook on her lap and leaned forward against her knees. “So how do you feel about taking things slow? Did you connect with anyone from speed dating?”
Lexie thought for a moment. There really wasn’t anyone that stood out to her, but she had a few good conversations with a man named Derek, who had followed up with a text a few days later, though she hadn’t responded. “Yeah, I made a few connections and exchanged numbers with a couple of people. I’m getting ready to head out of town for a week, but when I get back, I think I’ll be up for a date.”
