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Chapter Twenty-one
Teagan
Present Day
Friday
When the alarm buzzed, I flailed my arm to silence my phone, but I didn’t find it on the nightstand and I forced my eyes open. “Where is my phone?” I tried to push the haze of sleep from my brain and looked around the floor.
“You can’t snooze this morning,” Silas said from the other side of the bed, holding up my phone and then sliding his thumb across the screen to silence the alarm.
He rolled to his side, an elbow tucked under his cheek, and grinned at me. His gaze unabashedly swept over my body, pausing on the bare skin of my shoulders and legs. “Good morning.”
I lay back down and pulled the covers around us, scooting closer to him. “Why can’t I snooze?”
Silas stroked his finger down my arm, making the tiny hairs stand up, until he pulled me closer. He shifted, tucking me against his chest, his fingertips still sliding over my back and down my neck. “Because you have a lot to do today and you leave the country in ten hours.”
“I stayed up late,” I whined, enjoying the feel of his chest and stomach under the blankets in our cocoon.
“We could have gone to sleep earlier,” he said, lips grazing my forehead.
We’d managed to pull ourselves from bed, shower, make more eggs, and pack most of my things. By the time we finished, it was past midnight and we’d fallen into my bed again. “I didn’t want to,” I said, crossing my forearms over his chest and remembering his murmured voice, telling me about the view of Mont Fourvière from Footbridge St. Georges and how he’d go there and think of me. Then he’d kissed me and we’d been up even later.
Silas gave a little laugh and I rested my head on his chest again, listening to the steady thrum-thrum of his heartbeat until he spoke. “Ten hours isn’t a lot of time.” He drew circles on my shoulder blades.
“No,” I said, tracing my own circles on his chest. “I was thinking about it and maybe I can cut back some of the things I planned on the trip so there’s more time for us to...” I chewed on the words. “To be together even while we’re apart. And I was planning to take some side trips that would extend my trip but I could cut back on those. Nothing is set. I don’t want to be with you and not make time for you.”
“You’ve been waiting for this for so long.” Silas was quiet, only the way his breathing changed giving away that something was wrong. “I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to change your plans for me.”
“You’re my plans,” I said, enjoying the warmth of him against me and snuggling closer.
He didn’t reply, and when I finally looked up, he had a wry smile on his lips. “That’s a good line.”
“Thanks. I wrote it myself.” I rested my chin on my forearm again so I could meet his gaze.
His expression turned serious. “I’m not your plan, though. And you weren’t mine. I swore I’d never let another friendship be ruined by dating, and when we kissed in college and then I left...”
I stretched my arm so I could trace the line of the hair along his jaw with my fingertips.
“The way you took off and then wouldn’t respond. Then when we reconnected, I didn’t think it meant anything to you. It seemed like you just lost your head and kissed me because you were sad. It drove me nuts. I couldn’t focus. My head was all over the place because I kissed you back because I wanted to. It made me feel... used or like a prop. I know you didn’t ever mean to make me feel that way, but I did. I really thought it didn’t mean anything to you.”
“It meant something to me,” I said, remembering how at home I’d felt in his arms, how seen and cherished I felt when his lips were against mine. “But I knew you were so broken when your ex broke up with you and you lost your friend.”
“I was.”
“So I ran because I was scared and I didn’t know what I was feeling. When we reconnected, I never wanted you to worry you’d lose me as a friend. Plus then you had Erin, and I dropped it.” I scooted higher on the bed so we were face-to-face and I could cup his jaw. “Are you worried about that now? Losing me?”
“No.” His hand fell to my waist and I thought about how much I loved learning this new side of him, the side that needed to touch and be touched. “I meant what I said last night. I love you. I mean, that’s scary to admit, but it’s nice, too. It’s honest. I think loving you is the one thing I’ve been certain about for a long time, and not telling you just to keep things the same just isn’t sustainable. I love you, Teag.”
“I love you, too. But you want to leave this until I get back?” The warm cocoon we’d formed began to feel a little cooler, and I didn’t understand what he was getting at. Hitting the brakes felt wrong down to my toes.
“I mean...” Silas shifted his big body until I rolled to my back, my flimsy tank top riding up, and he propped himself on his elbow. “We waited this long.” He traced a line down my sternum to my belly button, and I tensed as his fingers brushed the waistband of my sleep shorts, but he brushed his fingers back up my bare stomach, making goose bumps rise on my skin.
“What would waiting even look like? What would we wait for?” I lay still, feeling the rumpled sheet below me and Silas’s fingertip moving achingly slowly up and down, teasing at my waistband each time. “Because we already didn’t wait a few times.”
His voice was low and throaty and full of Silas humor. “I remember.”
I rested my palm over his, stilling it low on my belly, and met his gaze. “Tell me what you’re thinking. I know you’ve been thinking about this. I can tell from the crease between your eyebrows.”
