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His face fell, and he set his beer down on the dock. He tipped my face up to look me in the eye. “No, absolutely not. Did you think that?”
“Fe, you cursed me.”
He frowned. “What?”
“I haven’t been able to hold down a date since you stood me up. If they don’t ghost me, they don’t show up. And then I let you seduce your way into my bed…twice.”
Anger rose inside me at all the ways he had done me wrong. I kept letting him take advantage of me, and letting him into my heart, even though he stomped all over it.
“My dad’s in jail,” he said bitterly.
I pulled back at his admittance.
He picked at the label of his beer. “My dad’s in jail for drug charges again, and I have custody of my little sister. Again. I’ve raised my sister since I was fourteen years old when my mom finally left us. That’s why I stood you up, Gemma. I can’t give you what you want from me, no matter how much I want it. So I’m an asshole to you because Skye’s the most—”
“Why didn’t you tell me that?” I shrieked at him without letting him finish his sentence.
“Because you wouldn’t understand!”
“Of course I’d understand. I’m not a monster. If you told me you had a family emergency, I would have understood.”
“Gemma, I can’t commit to a relationship. Skye’s my world. I’ll always choose her over you. I’ve already done that before.”
I looked out onto the lake and drank my beer in thought. I couldn’t be mad at him, but he sounded a lot like Nolan right there. Declan said Nolan sacrificed a lot when their parents died, but he made himself out to be a martyr. Felix was doing the same thing, putting all the weight of the world on his shoulders when he didn’t have to.
“Is that what happened with your ex?” I asked.
He nodded. “Roger was kinda needy, but he also wasn’t out. We had to hide our relationship, and I couldn’t deal.”
“Because you’re not ashamed of who you love.”
He pointed at me. “Yup. I don’t care who knows I’m bi. I hate the idea that straight’s the default, like I have to make a big production about my sexuality.”
“I get that,” I said.
I might be a loud and proud bisexual woman, but I understood what he meant. Why was straight always the default? Why did I have to amp myself up to tell my dad and sister I liked more than one gender?
He picked at his beer label. “It’s taking me every ounce of control to not kiss you again right now. I want to do that so badly. I want to kiss you again and hold you in my arms and promise you the world. But I can’t give you empty promises. It’s unfair to you.”
My heart thrummed. I wanted to kiss him again so badly, too, but he was right. I wanted a partner. I wanted someone to love me unconditionally. Someone to deal with eccentric Gemma Jensen, and love me despite my flaws. That person wasn’t Felix.
So, I changed the subject instead. “What did you do today?”
“Went for a hike at the preserve and drew in my sketchbook. I wanted to paint the horizon.”
“I didn’t know you painted. I knew you were talented. Your artwork’s amazing. I didn’t expect to find you with a painting and an easel like a regular old Bob Ross.”
He took another sip of his beer and glanced up at his work. “It’s my first love. I closed my availability on my website so I didn’t have any design work to do this week.”
I cocked my head at him. “You don’t just design for the brewery?”
He shook his head. “Nah. Declan actually encouraged me to start my business. I don’t make a lot, but I love it, so it helps me keep food on the table.”
“Fucking Declan,” I muttered. He was such a busybody.
Felix ignored my muttering. “What did you do today? Catch anything good for dinner?”
I laughed. “Nah. Met up with an old friend from my childhood. We sunbathed and drove the boat around.”
