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THIRTY-FOUR
Matthew
Wait,” Noelle said, and I turned around, trying not to let my heart break. “Stay. Please. I don’t—”
I loved her. Had known I loved her for weeks, but I hadn’t wanted to say anything to her that might have freaked her out. But this—coming to her apartment, seeing her asshole ex telling her how worthless she was? How dare he say she was going to go back to him once I decided she wasn’t good enough for me. It had made my blood boil. Because when you loved someone… you didn’t do that shit to them.
I didn’t want to ever let her go. But if that was what she wanted… If this was too much for her, I would try to let her go. I’d break myself into pieces to do it, but then again, I’d do anything for this woman. And God. That asshole. I wanted to punch him in the face all over again. I’d make sure to do some actual damage this time.
I knew that this was about more than just him. But Noelle’s deep-rooted fears stemmed from actual experiences, and knowing how he had belittled her, mocked her dreams, made her feel worthless, day after day… I needed her to know how much I cared about her. That I would never do that to her.
So when she said wait… I did.
Because I wasn’t ready to give up on her, not ever. Because I wanted her to know that she could believe in fairytales. Because she had made me believe, and I knew that she was the woman I was born to be with. I could feel it deep within my heart, that everywhere life had taken me had just been one long journey to her, and I needed her to know that she could feel the same way back.
That she could believe in us because I was never going to leave her. I would never abandon her as Jake did. I was made to protect her—her heart, her smile, and I planned on showing her that every day for the rest of our lives.
So I would fight for her, but I needed her to fight for me, too.
“Noelle…” I pleaded. “Say something, baby. Please.” I stared at her as tears dripped down her face. Just a few minutes ago, I had been holding her. I itched to again.
“I’m scared, Matthew,” she whispered, “that one day you’ll decide I’m not enough.”
I took a step closer to her. “Noelle, listen to me. I want you. Tell me what I can to do to alleviate your fears. To show you I’m not going anywhere. Because I just want you. I promise—you’re worth every risk.”
Noelle stared at me for the longest moment of my life, and then she gave me a little shake of her head. “I can’t… I can’t let you break my heart. Not the way Jake did. I don’t ever want to be that girl again.” She wiped a few tears from her cheeks. “You can go and find someone else. Someone better than me. Someone who’s not all broken and messed up on the inside. I know you can. You deserve the world, Matthew Harper, and I want you to be happy. Please.”
“I can’t be happy without you, Noelle.”
“You have to be.” Her voice broke. “Please, Matthew. This is… It’s too hard.”
“I’m not giving up on us.”
“But… what you said before…”
“I was upset, baby. I was wrong. I don’t want to give you up; I don’t want to give this up. So I’m not going to. I’m going to fight for us, Noelle.” I was putting my heart out on the line and hoping, miserably, desperately—that she would fight for us too.
But she just stood there, silently, with eyes full of unshed tears. I wanted to comfort her, wanted to cradle her cheeks in my hands, to rub soothing circles on her back as I told her everything would be okay, that I loved her, that I wanted her forever and would never leave her—but I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t bare for her to push me away even more after I told her my feelings, and I knew, I just knew, that I had to fix this before I could say the things I wanted to say. The things I needed to say, words that had been bubbling up inside of me for a long time. Words I had wanted to say since that day at Forest Park when we walked hand in hand and I had dreamed to hold her forever.
“Noelle. I can’t live without you, sweetheart.”
“Why?” She sniffled. “I’m just one big complication for you. I’m making your life harder. Why are you so determined, Matthew? I’m not going to be the one to get you fired from your job. I’m not going to have you resent me over losing the thing you’re most passionate about. It would destroy you, and when you left me… well, that would destroy me.”
I shook my head. “That’s not going to happen.”
“But what if it does?”
“It won’t. Because I want you, Noelle. I can’t let you go.”
“Why?” She whispered.
I took a final step towards her, sat on the couch next to her, and brought her hand up to mine, interlacing our fingers together. “Why what, Noelle?”
“Why can’t you let me go?” It was like Noelle wasn’t breathing. And maybe she knew, but I wanted to say it anyway. Needed to say it. Had to tell her the words that I had been thinking in my head for so long, I might explode if I didn’t get them out.
So I spoke from the heart, and I hoped that it would be enough. To convince her that I wanted her—forever. Always.
“Baby. I told you—you’re mine. I don’t want to let you go. I want you in my house. In my bed. At dinner with me, so I can make sure you’re not working yourself to death and that you’ve eaten. On the couch with me, watching a movie and giving me your little commentaries that I love. On a walk with me, so I can hold your hand and keep it warm. I want it all, Noelle. Every damn moment with you. I’m too selfish that I never, ever want to let you go.”
