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FIFTEEN
Noelle
Saturday morning, I once again found myself surrounded by my best friends at our favorite coffee shop, with a stack of books on the table as well as a plate of pastries and our four coffees.
“I hope you all know I had absolutely no time last week to read,” I frowned. “So I didn’t get to reading our last picks—but I will, I promise.”
“It’s fine, Elle,” Gabbi nodded. “We know you’ve been swamped with everything going on. We wouldn’t hold that against you.”
“I just can’t wait for this semester to be over.”
“How are your classes?” Angelina asked, popping a grape in her mouth.
If I was being honest, I was envious of her. Ang had known what she wanted to do in college, had gotten her marketing degree, and now was working for a prestigious tech software company—and was well on her way to her next job promotion, climbing the ladder through sheer will and determination. She was, as I lovingly referred to her—a boss bitch.
Even Gabbi seemed like she had it all figured out, working at the same firm as Angelina as a human resources manager and dabbling in photography on the side. It was nice that they had their lives together. Me, on the other hand… I was happy for them, I was, I just hoped that realizing my dream would be enough for me. Whenever that happened.
“Classes are okay.” I lifted my shoulders in a shrug. Charlotte must have told them about last week. “I’m just swamped, and with spring break coming up it feels like everyone’s piling on extra work. But it’s okay because Ma—.” Shit, I had to stop myself from mentioning Matthew. Again. How was his name slipping out so easily now? “Because I have it under control,” I said a little bit louder. I gave a sheepish grin.
Why couldn’t I tell them? I wanted to, didn’t I? But also… maybe I wanted to be in this cocoon with Matthew, warm and secure, nestled under that blanket together, and not have anyone asking me questions. Not have to think about where we were going, what the future held. Right now it was just us, trying to toe this line of something more.
The cord was going to snap at some point. It was frayed, and I knew I couldn’t resist him for much longer. Knew I needed more than kisses and holding hands and small touches. Last night when I sat next to him—I hadn’t mistaken the charged energy in the air. Or the way our eyes would catch, and hold, for a little too long without either one of us saying anything.
I sighed, just thinking about it. It seemed like even if I was ready for that next step—towards whatever it was—he just kept pulling away. But as much as I knew I wanted that—wanted to give in to my physical desires, with him, I wasn’t sure I could do anything more than sex. Did I want to be in a relationship?
Charlotte nodded over her bowl of pineapple. “I swear, you guys, she’s hardly sleeping.”
They all narrowed their eyes at me, and if Matthew had been here, I knew he would have agreed with them. “Honestly, I’m fine,” I said to all of them. I appreciated that they cared, I did, but it wasn’t like I could just get him out of my system. I needed him—he was like a drug.
A drug that was keeping me from sleeping. Well, maybe it wasn’t a very good drug. Or maybe I just needed to get f—
“Okay, Noelle,” Gabbi said with a frown, the mom friend of our group through and through. “But if you need something, anything… you’ll tell us, right?”
“Right.” Or I’d tell Matthew, but that was beside the point. And the way my brain jumped to him to ask for help before anyone else… What was up with me that I was thinking this way? I knew what it was, but I still… didn’t want to talk about it with them.
“Okay then,” she nodded. “Now, who has a book they want to talk about?” Gabbi grinned, and we launched into my favorite discussions we shared: the ones about books. I had read some of the ones they were reading or had just finished before, and I was glad to be able to join in parts of the conversations, despite having been too busy to read anything this last week.
“Anyone do anything fun yesterday?” Angelina asked, and I looked up at her in confusion. Did she know… somehow?
“Huh?” My mind had immediately gone to the gazebo with Matthew.
“Valentine’s Day?” she said, a more matter of fact, how-did-you-forget kind of tone.
“Oh. No. It’s not like any of us had dates anyway,” I muttered under my breath.
“Well… someone sent me flowers at work,” Angelina said, narrowing her eyes. “And they didn’t even attach a card, so I have no idea who they were from. Just a dozen red roses, sitting on my desk. Weird.”
Gabbi was just looking at her, and Ang just raised a shoulder. “What?”
“Nothing.” Gabbi just shook her head.
The rest of them ignored me, and then Charlotte launched a discussion about how Valentine’s Day is stupid and how society should reject the norms and just celebrate Galentine’s Day instead. Sometimes, I thought that girl watched a little too many episodes of Parks and Rec, but I wasn’t going to say that to her. No, if she wanted to worship Leslie Knope and eat a lot of breakfast food, who was I to say anything? We all had our things.
And… my heart fluttered a little bit, just thinking about last night. I fumbled with my hands as I sought a way to distract myself from the conversation. Before last night, when was the last time I had done anything for Valentine’s Day? Maybe before Jake and I broke up because I didn’t remember following any of my traditions last year, or the two years before that.
I used to love spreading joy through seemingly insignificant things—candy, cookies, cards of appreciation. Spreading them out to my professors and friends in college made me feel so warm and appreciated inside, and I missed that feeling.
And this year—maybe it was how I was feeling about Matthew, maybe it was that it had been long enough since things had ended with Jake—but I had woken up on Wednesday and baked four dozen heart-shaped cookies. Most of them had been devoured by the girls in the hall—I had left them by the reception desk—and I had kept a few for me, sure, but then there had been that bundle for Matthew.
