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“We went to dinner, but I immediately got weird vibes about the whole thing. You know how you look at something, and it all looks fine, but it just doesn’t feel right?”
Matt nods.
“The dinner was fine, and it went quickly. We made small talk, so it seemed like two friends out to eat. It wasn’t even a super fancy restaurant or anything like that.”
I remember the way he watched me that night. It was too observant, too constant, and too focused to be natural or friendly. Eventually, I realized it was his body language that made me feel like something was so off.
“The next morning, there was a delivery for me at my apartment. Two dozen long-stem roses. I was flattered but incredibly embarrassed because roses are something you send to someone special. I didn’t think of him that way. At all. I felt bad sending the flowers back, so I accepted the delivery and gave them to my neighbors. To this day, I hate the smell of roses and can’t stand the sight of the red ones.
“That afternoon when I went to work, I planned to tell him that the flowers and dinner the night before were kind, but I didn’t want to lead him on. When I got there, he wasn’t at work. Then I had the two days after that off because of my class schedule, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. I kind of hoped the whole thing was over because he never reached out.
“I decided to just brush off the situation and forget about it. I thought everything was going to be fine, but the next week, he asked me to go to dinner again. I tried telling him I didn’t have feelings for him, but he insisted he just needed a plus one for a business thing. It was easier to just give in than keep arguing with him, so I said yes.
“It was a fancier, more expensive restaurant this time, and when I got there, he was sitting at a table with just two chairs. I thought maybe it was an event, you know, like where they reserve the restaurant? But there wasn’t anyone else there that he was talking to. I almost left but was worried about how he would react at work, so I stayed and just wanted to get the whole thing over with.
“The feeling was back, even worse this time. It’s like he didn’t even try to pretend he said this was a business event. He made excuses that he really liked me and knew I would’ve said no if he asked me out again. Then he kept offering to get me drinks, even though I was clearly underage, which made both the waiter and I uncomfortable. The poor kid looked like he wanted to bolt out of the room all night.
“I got through the dinner and left to walk back home. He tried to walk back with me, but I didn’t want him to. I knew he knew where I lived, but still. There was something about him actually being there that made my skin crawl.
“When I started to walk away, he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. Luckily, there were enough people around that when I started to pull away from him, he had to let me go. I told him again that I didn’t have feelings for him and that I thought it was best to just stay coworkers. He nodded, acting like he agreed.
“I thought he was okay with it since he said all the right things and left. I just wanted the whole fiasco between us to be done. I walked back to my apartment and tried to sleep but tossed and turned all night.
“It made me angry because I had exams the next day and wanted to do well. I eventually got up and studied for what was left of the night. It was almost the end of semester school holiday, so I knew I could catch up on sleep then.
“During the exam, I got a message from one of my coworkers that she needed someone to cover her shifts over the weekend since she went out of town to celebrate the end of term. I said yes because I needed the extra money to make rent and make sure I paid my supervisor off quicker than I planned to.
“When I got to work Saturday, he was the only other person there. Usually, we have at least three people plus a supervisor so we can rotate positions and help cover each other’s breaks during the day. I didn’t think anything of it because most people had either gone on vacation or gone home for a short break. I covered the front desk and was getting everything shelved and checked back in. There was virtually no one coming in to study, so it wasn’t a big deal. And the door had a bell so if I was in re-shelving, I’d hear someone come in.
“Everything seemed fine until lunch. I didn’t think twice when he said we should lock up since we’d both be on break and there’d be no one to watch the front desk. I was in our break room eating when he came in. He shut the door and sat down to eat with me. Just like at both dinners, something was off. He wasn’t eating much and stared at me the whole time. Toward the end of the half-hour, I started to feel funny. When I went to stand up and put my things away, I almost fell over.”
Tears clog my voice, and I think Matt realizes what’s coming because his body is tense next to mine. I turn to face him, and he takes my hand, gently prying my fingers loose from the fist I had clenched them in and rubbing his thumb into the knots of muscles to help them relax.
“When I became aware of things again, I was in his office. I was achy and hurt. The whole place smelled like soap and cleaning solution. I still couldn’t think straight, and my clothes weren’t on quite right. He was sitting behind the desk, staring at me again. I was just barely aware of things and trying to make sense of what happened. When I asked him, he said I fainted, and he brought me into his office so I’d be on a comfortable couch.” I pause and try not to get lost in the flashbacks. “I was so confused, and my head was aching. He looked sincere and concerned, but in the back of my mind, I still didn’t trust him.”
I glance up to see Matt watching me, but I can’t look at him for long, or I’ll start to cry and never finish. His hands holding mine are the only thing helping me keep my thoughts together right now. He’s the first person outside of my mom, my therapist, and the courtroom hearing this.
“I was scared, but he seemed so rational. I don’t know why but I went to work again the next day. It was a different supervisor, and I didn’t see that boss.” I shudder as the memories roll back over me. “I should have gone to the police, but I didn’t know what to tell them because I didn’t know what happened. I never thought to ask if there was a security camera video or go to the hospital to get tested for anything. I just thought I was tired and stressed and that I really had fainted.
“That night, when I got home, he was already in my apartment waiting for me. All day at work, I’d been struggling to push what might have happened the day before out of my mind. It got to the point that during a slow part of the day, I started scrolling for other jobs so I could quit and never have to see him again. Never did I ever think he’d come to my apartment.
“That time, I screamed. He hadn’t drugged me, so I fought and tried to make as much noise as possible. The neighbors must have heard and called the police. They were too late, though.
“The case didn’t get much media attention, which was a godsend. I wasn’t a minor, but I was young enough, and the city was insular enough that the police had some influence over things. The chief of police and the lead reporter were women. I think they empathized with me and pulled strings to keep my name and picture out of the press. I withdrew from school and moved back home.”
Going back to my hometown after everything happened felt like just another failure on my part. I was convinced then that when my mom told me I wasn’t capable of living on my own, she was right. “My mom drove me back and forth to the hearings. He wound up getting the maximum sentence. I’m supposed to be notified if he’s ever eligible for parole or getting released. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen, though, because after he got fired from the school, two other girls came forward, and one of them was a minor.
“I had a hard time leaving the house, so for over two years, I only went out for doctors’ appointments and therapy sessions. My mom tried to give me time to heal, but she didn’t really understand how to help me. She pushed and pushed and tried to treat me like she would act herself. Eventually, Dr. Connors stepped in and talked to her, and she backed off a little. It put a big dent in our relationship that still hasn’t fully healed.”
My mom was the type of person who worked, contained her emotions in little boxes, and liked to pretend that everything was fine even when it wasn’t. It was how she dealt with trauma, and she couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that I was incapable of coping, of healing, in the same way.
“Eventually, I started working as a virtual assistant for some small businesses. It helped make me feel like I had a purpose, something to occupy my time, and I was good at it. It was nice too because I didn’t have to see anyone. No one knew what I looked like. No one could make connections with what had happened.”
My biggest fear was that someone would recognize me and know what happened. I’d wanted nothing more than to hide away and never be seen again. Maybe then I’d be able to forget or at least not spend every waking moment wondering what I could have done to stop what had happened.
“After a couple of years, one of the businesses grew large enough to expand and offered me a full-time position. I got brave and agreed even though it was in person. I think they thought I was just shy, but I was so jumpy for the longest time.
“It was mostly women in the office, and a lot of the work was still done online, so I avoided people most of the time. I rarely left my office and always went straight home after work. I got used to a routine and felt safe in that routine. But over the last year, I watched as friends from high school got married and started families. All I could think about was how much I wanted a fresh start where no one knew my name or had heard anything about what happened to me.”
