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26
LENORE
The persistent, whispering fear that things are going too well, that Matt’s too good to be true, skitters through my brain. I feel like I’m going to wake up from a dream, he’ll be gone, and everything will be so much worse because I’ve felt what’s possible.
I dry off my body and spread lotion across my skin. Rubbing it in circles while my mind does the same. I’m sure if I talked to my therapist, she’d be able to break me out of this swirl of self-doubt, of doubting Matt. I feel guilty that I don’t always believe what he says, especially when he calls me brave and smart. He’s always so sincere and sure of himself, and it makes me want to feel like the person he sees.
I felt safe with him just now, even stepping so far outside of my normal comfort zone. My moment of boldness made me feel free, weightless, but then like Icarus, it all came crashing down when I kissed him and fled to the shower. Not because of anything he did but because, for once, I wanted to do so much more and that petrified me.
I switch on the blow dryer and dry my hair quickly. It’s a little unruly most of the time, but right now, I just don’t have the mental energy to struggle with it so loose waves will have to do.
Poking my head out the bathroom door, I see that the upstairs is empty. I slip on a new bra and panties, retrieve my dress where I hung it, and quickly pull it over my head.
The fabric is light cotton and falls just above my knees. I’ve never worn much jewelry, so I don’t bother with it now, just a pair of small silver earrings. I do simple makeup with a few deft strokes before grabbing the heels I picked earlier.
I hold them by the strap as I walk down the stairs so I don’t trip and fall. The last thing I need is to break something. I hear Matt in the kitchen and find him looking out the back window with Norm. It’s just past four-thirty. The sun still shines brightly, and birds flit around the feeder.
“What are you guys watching?”
Matt must not have heard me coming because he turns and freezes. I can feel his gaze run over me, tracing the edges of my dress and the details of my makeup.
“You look stunning.” He takes a step closer and freezes again, holding himself still.
I can’t contain the smile that spreads across my face. My worries seem to fade when he’s close by. When I can see the emotion and goodness in him. He’s quickly become a talisman to keep all the bad things away in my life.
“Thank you.” I see that his tie isn’t done yet. “You want help with that?”
He looks down and nods. I step closer to him and take the two ends of the silk in each hand, quickly tying it in the Windsor knot I learned in high school. Smoothing down the fabric, I straighten the ends and make sure they fall flat. When I’m finished, I find that I can’t bring myself to step away from him. I can smell the sweet, citrusy smell that always clings to him, mixed with the floral scents from my bathroom.
“Will you hold me for a minute?”
Without hesitating, Matt wraps me in his arms and pulls me close. I rest my head in the center of his chest and loop my arms around his waist, closing my eyes.
“You okay?” One hand holds me close, fingers spread wide across my back, and the other reaches upward, tangling in my hair and cradling the back of my head.
I nod.
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
“It’s alright,” I whisper. “I just have a lot of thoughts rattling around.”
I hear the rumbling in his chest, and he pulls me closer, resting his chin on the top of my head. With the heels on, we’ll be closer in height, but right now, I feel small in a way that makes me want to be taken care of.
I’m conflicted about wanting to feel that way. The part of myself I’ve been working on thinks I should be able to handle everything on my own and that I’ve worked so hard for that feeling. But it’s so nice to have someone to share it with. Someone who understands when you just need to be held close.
“Wanna get going?”
I pull back a little and notice his beard is coming in since he never got around to shaving upstairs.
“Kiss me one more time?” My fingers graze his cheek, and I absorb this moment with him where I’m not afraid of the physical closeness.
“Always.”
It’s subtle, but we’re close enough that I see the color of his eyes shift, darken. He leans down and places his lips against mine, moving slowly but confidently. His hands raise, and he cups my cheeks, tilting my head further back and to the side. Sweet emotions chase down my body and make me feel like I’m floating on air.
He pulls back, and his warm breath shifts the fine hairs around my face. He looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t. Running his fingers down a lock of hair that’s fallen over my shoulder, he asks, “Need anything other than your shoes?”
“Just my wallet.”
