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“Hollis—”
“Patrick,” I began. “If you don’t want me in here, then tell me. But if you do, move over, man.”
He smiled and moved to the middle of the bed, sliding his pillow over with him. He moved the pillow that I knew he held on to in the spot for my head. I got into bed and nudged him to roll over but ran into a lot of resistance with him.
“I’m okay on my back,” he said.
“No, you aren’t. You hardly ever sleep on your back. You always sleep on your side, curled up, or face down.” I nudged him again.
“Hollis—”
“Would you just let me hold you?” I blurted.
“Yeah, but…” Patrick looked down at my dick and then back up at me.
And then it dawned on me. I felt like a bucket of ice water had just been dumped over me. I’m such an idiot. He was resisting rolling over because I was naked. I was sure memories of his stepbrother and father came storming in, but he was also fighting himself with it. But he felt vulnerable, and he needed to stand up for himself and speak up.
“I’m sorry, Hollis,” he started. “I’m just—”
“No, it’s okay. Please don’t apologize,” I said as I quickly found my boxer briefs on the floor. “It’s okay, Patrick,” I said as I stepped into my underwear.
I got into bed and stopped him before he rolled over. I kissed his lips, and when his mouth relaxed against mine, I slipped my tongue inside. I ran my tongue all over his to show him that I didn’t feel he was gross or dirty for doing what he did earlier.
“Okay, now roll over so I can hold you,” I said in a lighter tone. He rolled right over, and I took the pillow he had given me and pressed it against his stomach so he could hold it. “Lift your head a bit,” I said. When he did, I pulled a little of it toward me and rested my head down on it, then put my hand on his head to guide his down to the pillow. “Comfy?” I asked.
“Very,” he said.
I kissed his shoulder and the nape of his neck after I wrapped my arm around him. Last night popped back into my mind, and I decided to ask him about it.
“Can I ask you something, Patrick?”
“Anything.”
“What did you say to me in bed?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Last night. You mumbled something, and I couldn’t understand it. For you is all that I made out. It’s been on my mind. What did you say?” He was quiet for a few moments, but then spoke up.
“I said that I wished they hadn’t ruined me for you. Sebastian, Eli, and my dad.”
My chest felt heavy, and an ache instantly formed in my throat.
“What? Why would you say that, or think that?” I finally asked.
“Because.” His voice sounded like it was breaking. Even though his back was to me, he still lowered his head as if ashamed. I tightened my grip on him.
“Patrick… because why?”
“It’ll hurt. And I’m scared of it hurting, and I don’t want to hurt. Not like that again. It’s a longshot anyhow with you, and if I can’t even offer you that, then I have nothing to offer you.” He sniffed and drew in a ragged breath. “I’m nothing but a mediocre blowjob.”
“You are more than that. Far more.”
“It’ll hurt.”
“I won’t hurt you, Patrick.”
“It’ll hurt,” he repeated and wiped his eyes with his forearm before he sniffled again and took a deep breath. “It always hurts.”
“I’m not them.”
“It’ll still hurt.”
“Not if we work slowly up to it.” He didn’t say anything, so I jostled him a little. “Okay? We can work slowly,” I repeated.
This time he at least nodded and acknowledged what I said. I held him tightly in my arms as I drifted off to sleep. Fuck his family. No one ruined him for anyone, and I’d be damned if he thought that way.
