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“I’m sorry. I … It’s you and I can’t believe I’m looking at you. Things must be so different.”
“They are.” There, that was the door opening for me to say something. To tell him something that will make him catch on to my intention without hurting him.
“Yeah…they are.”
“Things are different, all around. I wouldn’t have said anything last night because …it was goodbye. It was a goodbye,” I explain.
He looks thrown, like I just slapped him. “Good…bye?”
“Yes… I just wanted to close that chapter of my life and see you before I did that. I didn’t think you would recognize me, or even remember me.”
“What are you saying to me? Doll… you thought I’d forget you, just like that? Charlotte, we were supposed to be together.”
“I know and I’m grateful for everything. I just… it’s different.I’mdifferent.”
He blinks several times like he’s trying to process what I’m saying.
“Right… I see. You’re different and youfeeldifferent too.”
“Yes.” I must be a really good liar, so much better than I thought and the sickening reminder comes back to me of why that is. I’m a great liar and I deserve an award for my performance. I’m so good at what I do because I had to get good at it to keep people alive.
Lie and smile and make the men believe you.
That’s what I heard ringing through my mind especially after Antonio killed Benita. I don’t think I can ever forget her screams as the crocodiles ate her. So yes, I’m good at lying and I’m doing it now because I need to.
I don’t have the strength to forget the past and deal with what really happened. I also don’t have the strength to deal with how he’s looking at me now, like he can’t believe what I just said. I know it was harsh. It came across as harsh.
He cocks his head to the side and regards me with that easy grin I first fell in love with.
Taking my hands into his, the smile widens but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I’m happy you’re back. I’m happy you’re free. This is a great thing. The best. You can move on now. Move forward. Screw the past Goddess.” He nods and releases me.
Goddess… I still feel that tingle on hearing him call me that. This man made me feel like a goddess and practically worshipped the ground I walked on like I was some kind of queen. He wouldn’t believe the nothing I became.
I can’t answer him because I’m scared I’ll break.
He continues to smile and his eyes hold mine in place. “I’ll leave you to… well to what you were doing.”
Stepping back he moves away from me but stops when he gets to the door frame.
He holds my gaze and looks me over, the seriousness coming back to his gaze.
“You may feel different, it’s a given that you do. A decade has passed and time can do all sorts of shit. All it did to me was make me hold on even more. You still feel like my girl Charlotte.” The words that fall from his lips are like a vice gripping and squeezing my heart.
All I can do is stare at him.
He dips his head for a fervent nod that seems to linger and then he leaves me.
I at least wait for the sound of his footsteps to thud against the wooden floor before I break down.
I actually break down, sinking to my knees and letting the tears fall. The one who comes to me is the person I least expected.
Cordelia. She joins me on the floor and takes me into her arms as I cry.
We stay there just like that for what feels like hours. Just like that in silence and I’m there in her arms as she tries to comfort me and I don’t know how to tell her also that I can’t be around anybody.
It’s not until lunch time that the tears subside and she shuffles away to look at me.
