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My damn mind was all over the place and I realized I had to tell him what happened to me.My secret.The secret about my baby girl I never got to have.
It was a girl. I was having a girl.
This time last year I was pregnant with her. In one month’s time it will be a year. I would never have imagined that I’d be sitting here on my sofa without her.
The week before I lost her I saw her on the ultrasound and was told how healthy she was. Everything was perfect and I got one of those pictures. It was the second one but the imaging was better. Prior to that I had the scan where they can tell the baby’s gender.
I was going to raise her on my own. I never planned to suddenly pop up with the news to Gabe and expect him to take care of me. At that point I knew he didn’t love me and it was clear we were just screwing around. No way was I going to kid myself into thinking that he would suddenly love me because I was pregnant.
“Mimi…” Gina says and taps my shoulder. I look to her.
“I just feel awful, Gina. Part of me didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to cause any trouble and not between them as brothers. But I had to tell him why I couldn’t be with him.”
I’m a coward that wants to retreat and run away. That’s what I felt like when the fear struck me in his arms.
Like a coward, but damn, right now I’d rather be the coward than put myself through what I went through last year ever again. Like I said to Salvatore it would be worse with him.
“I get it. I understand. What do you think he’ll do?”
“I begged him not to say anything to Gabe. He shouldn’t … or rather he
wouldn’t normally but nothing like this has ever happened before.” I grimace.
Her shoulders slump and she sighs. “I can’t say I blame him Mimi. I get that Gabe is this changed person and he is, but there was no justice for you while he was being an asshole.”
“I know. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point where I can look Gabe in the eye and feel normal, like I don’t hate him. I don’t and I want him to be happy. This thing with me now isn’t his problem. It’s just shit that’s caught up with me.”
“Look, I think you got shoved in a corner with your back against the wall with Salvatore’s offer. Suddenly the safety net of fooling around was gone and it made you look at reality. It made you face the problems you were shoving to the back of your mind. They’ve resurfaced because you didn’t deal with them. That’s what I think.”
She isn’t wrong. That’s exactly what happened. Last year when it all went down, I ran to Salvatore and he comforted me like the friend he always was. Then we became something more and it was nice and now that I got the chance to take the final step I couldn’t do it.
“I need to focus on myself right now. I want to get everything underway with the restaurant and take it from there.” That’s what I need. Something like that will help fix me because it’s an accomplishment.
She nods understanding. “Okay. I will be there to help set up.”
“Really Gina, you’d do that?” I know how busy she can be most days.
“Of course. You know I will be there.”
I give her a quick hug. “Thanks. Thanks so much. Having you there will be great.” It would be.
I’m about to sign the contract on a lease for the most amazing building. It’s the kind of building that was perfect in every way.
It’s in the heart of the city so I’m right there in the center of the action where all the people are. This time I’m not setting up to back out and push it to the back of the shelf so I made sure I found the perfect setting for the dreamlike restaurant I have in mind. Because it was previously a bistro, it has everything I need and just needs to be decorated to my liking.
The best part is I have the money I need to lease the property and set everything up.
“You’ll be okay. I have faith in you.” She nods.
I appreciate hearing her say that. “Thanks, I guess now’s the time for me to have faith in myself.”
It would just be easier if I didn’t feel like this.
* * *
I stoppedby the property before going into work.
I just wanted to remind myself of the goal. The dream.
