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At this vantage point I can watch his face, study his reaction. His eyes and the way they flicker as I stroke him with a firm grip, nice and slow.
His hand moves to the back of my head and he nudges me down, urging me to take him in my mouth. This is the part that makes me nervous. Putting myself in a vulnerable position.
But I want to do it. For him.
“Baby …” He gently pushes my head again.
“Give me a second,” I whisper.
Heart pounding in my chest, I keep him ready with my fingers, breathing steady and telling myself I’m in control. He won’t hurt me.
He won’t hurt me.
But then what sounds like an impatient breath floats from the back of his throat and I flick my eyes at him.
He softens his expression. “It’s okay. Take your time.”
Those three words are all I need to hear. I bend forward and take him in. He thrusts, nice and easy, brushing my long hair up and out of the way.
I grip the sides of his hips and let him take the reins, allowing myself to trust him. To use me for pleasure. All the while thinking that I can stop any time I want.
But I don’t want to. Not yet.
This feels good. Not amazing, but good. I know all those memories, all those triggers are hiding in the recesses of my mind but they stay put for the few minutes that I’ve handed Ben the reins. And when I’m done being used I stop, making no apologies.
Ben doesn’t seem disappointed but it’s probably because I straddle his hips and take him fully inside of me. I hear all the breath escape his lungs, and this time when he grips the back of my head, it’s to bring me down for a kiss that stops time and makes it hard to breathe.
And I think, what a beautiful way to suffocate.
Chapter 18
Devin is working at Total Drip.
I don’t see her right away because typically I’m hyper-focused on their brew of the day to see if it’s something I’ll like. But when I swivel my gaze to the cashier and see her pert smile I’m almost at a loss for words.
“Umm …”
She laughs. “Hey, stranger. What can I get ya?”
I point to the chalk board.
“The Death Wish. Should have known.”
“Make it a large, please. For here.”
“Cream?”
“Yep.” I hand her some cash and toss a few ones in the tip jar and she grabs a large white ceramic mug and starts filling it up. Wearing a dark purple beanie and a t-shirt that shows off her arm tats, Devin looks pretty cute. She’s letting her hair grow out too.
“So what are you doing working here? Something happen at your other place?”
“They couldn’t give me full time,” she answers, looking over her shoulder. “Total Drip could, plus they have bennies.”
Full time. Devin doesn’t want to have to work full time. “Are your parents charging you rent or something?”
She slides my mug across the counter, cream already inside, and scrunches her mouth. “No. I just decided it was time to grow up and get my own place. Hopefully I’ll be able to do that in a few months when I have enough saved up.”
“Oh wow. That’s awesome. I happen to know a realtor if you’re interested in buying.” I take a sip of my coffee. It’s freaking delicious.
