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“You’re only half wrong. My man was a girl. But she did like wearing suits. That was how she dressed up.”
“Oh, my bad. Sorry. So …” He lifts another oyster, holds it out for me.
I shake my head. “So …?”
“Is this the part where I ask if you’re bi? Or is it the part where I don’t say anything at all and wait for you to tell me in your own time?”
I drink some wine, ponder the question. “Uhh, it’s the part where I explain this is also a complicated area of my life.”
Ben stares at me for a long moment, then makes a little face before sucking down another oyster.
“What?” I ask, crossing my arms.
“Nothing.”
“I saw that look. It means something.”
He laughs softly, deeply. “If you must know, I was thinking your walls might be higher than mine.”
“Walls? Well, yeah. Everyone has walls these days.”
“Won’t argue with you there.”
“I mean, you’re the one who said you didn’t want to get involved. And I’m not convinced that if we slept together tonight you’d ask me out for a second date.”
His gaze shifts down, and he sits back in his chair.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
“I don’t know if you’re wrong.”
“Ouch.” I touch my wine glass, swirl it around.
“But I wouldn’t ghost you. Women that I’ve slept with and never spoken to again, it was what they wanted too. You’re the first girl I know who’s made it abundantly clear she doesn’t do casual sex. At least that’s what I’m gathering. Now, tell me ifI’mwrong.”
My hands shake, palms sweat as I feel the words forming in my mouth. “You’re definitely not wrong. I have a pretty shitty past when it comes to men. My virginity was taken from me by force when I was ten. Devin? My ex? She’s the only person I’ve been with since. I don’t know how to be casual when it comes tothat.”
His face morphs into shock. He covers his mouth, rubs his chin, lowers his head. “Holy shit, Tove. I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.Fuck.” When he shifts in his seat I can tell he’s extremely uncomfortable. But I’m picking up on some anger because it hits close to home with him. After all, his son was raped before being killed.
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to know. But … as strong as this pull is between us, I think I need to know where I stand with you. If we’re just working together to find you-know-who then that’s fine. And you know I want that, more than anything.”
He seals his eyes shut, pulls in a slow, deep breath. “Yeah. I know. There are two little issues with that, one of which is … I need to know I can trust you.”
“You can.”
“You still haven’t told me who gave you my name.”
“I will. Tonight. What’s the second issue?”
He studies my face for a beat, reaches across the table for my hand. I touch my fingers to his, feel that spark that makes me forget my name. “You do realize what I plan to do when I find him?”
I nod, unable to hide the tug at the corner of my mouth.
“You act like it’s something to get excited about. But doing something like that, it changes you in ways you couldn’t possibly comprehend.”
Oh Ben.
Ben, Ben, Ben …
