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“That’s not fair! I always listened to you.”
Aidan didn’t say a word for a few minutes. “Do you have any idea how many times I tried to get you to go on vacation? And each time you’d insist that you couldn’t go because you had to be near your gynecologist.”
“What can I say? Yes, I wanted to be pregnant, and I was afraid of being very far from my doctor. Why was a vacation so important?”
“Because I wanted you to focus your attention on me, on us and our marriage.”
“I did. Having a baby was important to both of us.”
“Yes. But many times I felt as if you weren’t even aware of me except as the man who could get you pregnant.”
There was a long pause while hurt rained down on her. “You really felt I ignored you except when we were—no. That’s not true!” she screamed at him. “You wanted a baby, didn’t you? Why are you only now telling me about how you felt?” she demanded, trying to gain control.
“Because I didn’t think you’d listen to me. Every time I tried to talk about something else, something we might do or an idea for my business, you didn’t seem very interested. At first I didn’t mind so much, but as the years went on and things got so intense, so desperate, I felt as if what I wanted or needed really didn’t matter.”
“That’s so unfair,” she yelled at him. “You had your work. You had your life outside this house. I had nothing…nothing but the hope that we would finally conceive.”
“And that’s why I kept my feelings to myself. I didn’t think that you’d be interested in how I felt unless it somehow related to getting pregnant. Do you have any idea how many times I simply wanted to hold you in my arms, to have you fall asleep in my arms, not from the effort of getting pregnant but because we loved each other and needed to hold each other close?”
Feeling the sincerity of his words across the connection, she began to see that maybe… “I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Is that what you’re saying?”
He gave a huge sigh of relief. “Yes. After years of being together, the Grace I fell in love with seemed to have changed, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was lonely, Grace. I needed my wife back.”
“But that doesn’t forgive what you did. You could have talked to me like you’re talking now. We could have worked on getting a little balance in our marriage. You know I would not ignore you that way. You had to see that I needed you to share your feelings with me. Instead, you went to bed with another woman.”
“An act that I am so sorry for. Believe me. You cannot imagine how sorry I am. I’d change it if I could.”
“That’s not possible. We both know that. And now there’s a child,” Grace said, her heart aching from the unfairness of life. “All I ever wanted was a baby.”
“Me, too, Grace. Me, too,” he whispered.
“And now you have one.”
“No. We have one. We have a little girl, Grace.”
“A little girl who came out of an affair you had,” she said, her voice rising again.
“If Emma could have been your baby, I would have loved and cared for her, for you, for the rest of my life.”
A moment of quiet fell between them. “Aidan, I wish I could tell you that with time and effort on your part, I might be able to forgive you. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever be at that point, to feel it in my heart to forgive what you’ve done.”
For a few moments, she feared that he might not answer, and it tore at her with a force she could never have imagined. What if she’d gone too far in what she’d said?
“Grace, I would like to be able to tell you that I will never hurt you again. But that’s not possible. I’ve hurt you already. But I want you to believe that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to make this up to you. I haven’t worked out exactly how to do that, but believe me, I’m going to try. I need you more than I could ever have imagined. Not just because of Emma, but because you’re you. You make my life worthwhile.”
