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This was it? This was my life? I couldn’t stay in the normal world. I couldn’t go into Nowhere. The only place that was bearable was here, the outpost,hisoutpost. It was unacceptable. What if I never transitioned enough to get beyond this? What if things went on this way for years?
No one called me. When I called them, they didn’t answer. I’d even left a message with my mother’s landlord, telling him I wanted to prepay the rent, and still couldn’t get a call back. I couldn’t live in this limbo indefinitely.
I wandered toward the door to Nowhere, laying my hand on its surface, seeing if I could feel any kind of strange energy. What was happening behind it right now? What would I see if I opened it? Stepped through it?
“So this door would open up to Nowhere, even if I were to open it?”
“You know you can’t go there.” Dice’s attention snapped toward me.
“Yeah, I know.” I ran a hand across it, seeing if I could feel anything. “I’m just wondering, what would happen if I did? Would it lead to nothing because I opened it, or would it go to Nowhere?”
When he didn’t answer right away, I looked back, and all three of them were staring at me.
“I would suggest you don’t go through that door,” Connor said, his hand bunching his magazine.
I shrugged. “I know. I can’t do anything. I can’t go back and I can’t go forward. I’ve heard.” I moved my hand down to the knob. “But if I did go, without being transitioned, what would happen?”
“Billie, I’m telling you, you don’t want to go through that door. It would be very uncomfortable.” Dice was on his feet, his hands in the air.
“But what would happen? Would it help me transition?” I asked.
Unless they told me it would kill me, I was going through this door. Short of death, this was happening. I tightened my hand, ready to put up a fight if they tried to stop me. Even if they did, I’d come do it when I was alone.
“It might force the transition, but it’ll hurt like hell.” Dice took a step toward me.
I spun the knob. “But it won’t kill me?”
Dice wasn’t answering, and neither was Connor.
“No, it won’t,” Cookie said.
“Why the fuck did you tell her that?” Dice asked.
“Because it should be her choice,” Cookie said. “Let her handle shit the way she wants. She’s tough. She’ll be okay.”
As they bickered, I swung the door open and, for the first time, got a good look at Nowhere. It was a city of sorts, but nothing akin to anything I’d ever seen.
“Come on, Billie, let’s…”
Dice’s voice died as I took a step into Nowhere. No one was stopping me now. If this was going to be part of my life, the way it was everyone else’s, thenletit be part of my life. I was tired of only having half the information and world available to me.
The entire scene was almost overwhelming. My breath caught in my throat. The sky above was filled with so many stars, glittering like I’d never seen. The Milky Way was there, glowing, but other solar systems as well, all over. I could spend a month just staring up and never stop marveling. It was as if this place was smack in the middle of the universe.
The air was crisp, with a hint of spice I couldn’t place drifting on the air, and the sounds of life were practically bursting out of the place. I looked down the street, and it didn’t seem to have an end. The road looked like solid black stone and was lined with buildings and storefronts, with signs that moved, like they were written with snakes, or twinkling like the stars above lent them their light. Warm, flickering lanterns hung everywhere. Then, every so often, there was a building that glowed like it was plucked from a Kinkade painting.
Then there were the people: some of them looked human, others not even close, with scales or horns. Some almost shimmered.
This was Nowhere? The underbelly of the universe, so to speak?
I was standing there, looking like a tourist, mouth gaping open, when I got a cramp in my side, like you’d get from running after a long time off. Well, they’d said it might be painful. I pinched my side and took another step, and that was as far as I made it before the cramp grew. Before I could pinpoint the exact location, it spread to nearly every part of my body.
My knees hit the ground, followed by my hands. The pain racked every part of me; even my fingertips throbbed. I vomited on the beautiful street I’d just admired.
Dice knelt beside me. “Are you a dumb shit or what? What did you not understand aboutdon’t go through the door?”
“She looks a little worse than I anticipated,” Cookie said, standing on the other side. “We better get Kaden. I think this might be above our pay grade.”
“Nothing to see here, folks. Just her lady time,” Dice yelled.
