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A baby.My baby.
It’s incredible. Grace and I are rendered speechless, staring at the image and listening to the soundtrack of our child’s heart.
“Grace, have you had any ultrasounds yet?” the doctor asks.
Grace shakes her head. “No, they checked the baby’s heart at the hospital. And if you remember, the first appointment was a bit of blur. I don’t even think I let you speak.”
He laughs. “Yes, you were quite surprised. Well, it looks like the baby is in a good position right now, so you’re in luck.”
She smiles up at me and squeezes my hand again. I’m completely numb. I hope I remember all of this later. Right now it feels like I’m witnessing it all from above.
“Do you want to find out the sex?” he asks.
Grace looks at me and then back at the doctor. “I didn’t think that was possible this early. I’m only about thirteen weeks.”
The doctor laughs. “Remember how last time I tried to tell you how far along you were, but you didn’t let me finish. Did you ever read the paperwork I gave you?”
Grace shakes her head. “Honestly, I don’t remember much. I thought I read everything. Why? Is something wrong?”
The doctor shakes his head and in his jovial voice assures her, “No, it’s just you are eighteen weeks, Grace, not thirteen.”
Grace looks up at me in complete shock. Under her breath, she whispers, “So it wasn’t the club.”
And I’ve got to be honest, I’m really fucking happy that I didn’t impregnate her then. This baby was made out of love.
Our baby was made out of love.
Crushing disappointment in myself threatens to ruin the moment when I realize that I almost lost everything. If not for Grace letting me back into her life, our baby would be raised without me. And in the early months I didn’t even know. That’s all on me.
“So, what do you say? Want to know the sex?” the doctor asks again.
Grace turns to me with question in her eyes. “What do you think?” she asks.
I clear my throat and adjust my collar, pulling my hand out of hers for a moment. I need air. This is all so much. “Uh, whatever you want.”
Grace sits up and the doctor leans back, giving us privacy, while still holding the wand that was just pressed against Grace’s stomach. “Cash, look at me. I know you’re having a bit of a freak-out.…”
I blink a few times, trying to wrap my head around the new developments. Grace is five weeks farther along than we thought. Which means five weeks less until we’re parents.
And then I’ll be a dad.
“Yes, I want to know the sex,” I reply loudly, in excitement. I meet Grace’s eyes and smile. “I’m fucking thrilled, Grace. Hearing the baby’s heartbeat just made it all more real…but this is the best damn Christmas present I’ve ever received. Let’s find out if we are having a son or a daughter.”
A tear drops from Grace’s eye, and she leans back and nods at the doctor. “We’re ready.”
I grab her hand, waiting for the doctor to put the wand back. When the heartbeat fills the room again, I squeeze Grace’s hand three times, and she turns to me with nothing but love in her eyes.
Our baby’s heartbeat. I’ve never heard something so beautiful. I know she’s thinking the same thing.
The doctor moves the wand around until he apparently sees what he’s looking for. He points to the screen. “So, there are fingers, and there are toes, and right there, between the legs…there’s nothing…You’re having a little girl. Congratulations!”
Tears fall down Grace’s face and she laughs. “We’re having a daughter? Oh, wow, I’m having a little girl.” She leans back and smiles so wide I’m afraid my heart may break.
I’m having a little girl. I shake my head in wonder and stare up. It’s a habit I’ve had since I was a child, looking to the sky to talk to my mom. Silently, I say,can you believe this, Mom? I’m going to be a dad. To a little girl!
I think of the picture which sits in my wallet. Little Grace kissing my mother’s belly. I know right now my mom is smiling. I lean down to Grace’s face and kiss her lips. “Thank you, Angel.”
She kisses me back and replies, “Merry Christmas, Whiskey.”
