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Chapter 19
Grace
I’mlyinginbedwhen the text arrives.
“Please, Grace, I need you.”
My stomach drops. I’d spent the better part of the last two nights tossing and turning over what I’ve been doing with Cash. Crying myself to sleep because I miss him. Because when he asked me when he’d see me again, I realized we probably shouldn’t. It all feels good in the moment, but then the moment ends and I’m back to square one. Our relationship is over. We’re just fucking now. And I know I can’t do it anymore.
But now, in the quiet, with those words on the screen, I don’t know how I’m going to stay true to myself.
Because going to him—is that a betrayal of who I am, or would ignoring him be?
“We can’t keep doing this.”I finally get up the courage to reply.
When he doesn’t respond, I lie in bed staring up at the ceiling, knowing this doesn’t feel like goodbye.
Two hours later, I look up at the dark sky which envelops the night and listen to the sound of a body smacking against water. My eyes dart to the pool which lights up the entire rooftop deck. We’d never made it up here before. Not together at least.
I watch as Cash’s arms push and pull the water below him, cupping it just as aggressively as he once squeezed my flesh. I’m wet almost instantaneously. He’s so fucking gorgeous. Even now when my anger sizzles to the surface, my body heats only for him.
Getting into the elevator again—the one that Jay carried me out of, a sobbing mess months ago—brought everything back. Coming here was a terrible idea.
His body glides through the water, and right before he hits the wall, he flips gracefully and takes off in the other direction, never seeing me, allowing me to continue my voyeurism for a few moments longer.
Beside me the hot tub bubbles.
Does he have plans? When I didn’t respond, did he invite someone else?
The thought sends a bolt of fear through me. I can’t imagine what it will be like to see Cash with someone else. To see him moving on.
My heart splinters and I turn to leave. I shouldn’t be here.
As I walk away, the sloshing water stops, and I hear his voice, “Gracie?”
My eyes close at my nickname slipping off his tongue softly, as if he’s forgotten his hatred for me. I memorize the way this moment feels, the moment before he remembers, the moment before I go back to living in hell.
Because that’s what I’ve been doing since I last stepped foot in this apartment. Living in a purgatory trying to figure out how to move on. It’s been months since I was last here, and I thought it was over for good. But now I’m here again. And so much has changed.
I shake away my thoughts and push the door open, right before he cries out, “Grace, wait!”
My traitorous body turns, and I watch as he lifts himself out of the pool. The water drips down his muscular frame, coating each divot and leaving him glistening before me in the darkness, with the pool lighting him up like a goddamn bronze statue.
In four long strides he’s standing before me, dripping, his face still a mask of confusion. “You came? You said you wouldn’t come, but you came. Is everything okay?”
His eyes dip, and he inspects every inch of me. As if he could see the scars that litter my body. Unfortunately, I don’t bleed. There’s no mark to let the outside world know I’m broken, that I’ve been beaten to within an inch of life. It’s all inside. It’s the way my heart squeezes when I look at him. The way my hands tremble at the sound of his voice. My inability to sleep at night without self-medicating, be it booze or sleeping pills. There are physical ramifications from my heartbreak, but no one can see them, least of all the man who put them there.
“I shouldn’t have come.”
I look away from his gaze, from his intense stare, from the war that wages in his eyes.
“Why did you then?” he asks softly. He’s still dripping wet.
“Can you get a towel or something?” I ask incredulously, motioning to his nakedness.
Cash’s eyes lighten and his lip pulls up in a smirk. “Is my nakedness bothering you?”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, could you put on some clothes?”
