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Cash sits up and looks down at me. The loss of his body heat against my own is jarring. But it’s the look in his eyes—the coldness, the detachment—that hurts the most. After swimming in his love for hours tonight, I drown in his hate. “You going back to him now? I’m only good for a fuck and he gets the rest of you?”
An angry laugh falls from my mouth. “You need to stop contacting me,” I say as I grab a towel from the floor so I can find my jacket and get out of here.
“You came here,” he says in a condescending tone, “wearing fucking crotchless panties. And now you’re surprised that all it is was fucking.”
He’s right. I did. Like a fool, I thought I could control this scenario. Keep feelings out of it. Just have orgasms and move on. What a fool I was. There’s no in-between with Cash. You’re either burning in his sun or frozen in his shadow.
With the taste of him in my mouth, the salty tears don’t even faze me as they pour down my cheeks. They only serve as a reminder that all we cause one another is pain. Intense feelings, which sometimes create orgasms, but that’s really just pain masked in another form.
I said I’d never let a man control my happiness, but I simply changed one man for the next. Standing on my own two feet, I look at Cash with clarity, finally seeing our ending in a new light.
This thing between us is over.
As soon as I’m in the Uber, I dial Tessa. She answers almost instantly. “Hey G, want to meet me for a drink? I’m just finishing up a story.”
I try to breathe through a sob, but it bubbles up and gets caught in my throat, causing a stilted cry to escape.
“G-Grace…you there?”
“Yes,” I manage to reply before the sobs consume me again.
“Okay, I’m coming to your apartment. Are you there?”
I am able to give her one final word, “Almost,” and then I dissolve into tears again.
“Okay, I’m coming.”
It takes another ten minutes for me to get to my apartment, but when I walk up the stairs, Tessa is standing on the landing, a sad smile on her face, a tequila bottle in her hand and a bag of limes in the other. “I brought reinforcements, babe.”
I manage a gurgling laugh and collapse against her chest. Even though she’s shorter than I am, she manages to take all my weight and make me feel like she’s the adult as she absorbs my sadness. I genuinely don’t know what I would do in life without her and Marion.
We walk into my apartment, and I don’t bother doing anything but plopping my ass down on the couch. I must look like a drowned rat in my trench coat, with my hair wet from the shower and mascara coating my face. Suddenly feeling too naked, I slip off into my bedroom to change and hide the evidence of my seduction.
When I come back out in sweats and my hair in a ponytail, Tessa is sitting on the couch. I spot the shot glasses, tequila, and cut-up limes and try to smile in approval. She hands me a big glass of water, ignoring my fake smile. “Here, drink this and take a few breaths so you can tell me why you were dressed fuck-me hot and crying.”
I laugh so hard as I sip my water that I end up choking, and Tessa claps me on the back while giving me a sheepish smile. “Okay, I’ll stop being so damn funny, and you start talking.”
“I had sex,” I say softly.
Tessa’s eyes grow. “Oh…oh! With Hayden? Oh God, you had sex for the first time since Cash and you cried? I’m sure Hayden understands…it’ll be okay.” She pulls me in for a hug and squeezes in reassurance. “Honestly, this is good. You finally popped your Cash cherry.”
I clear my throat while still in her embrace and push back a bit to hold up my finger. “Not exactly.”
“Not Hayden?” she asks quizzically.
I shake my head. “No…I didn’t pop my Cash cherry.”
Confusion laces her face. “Huh?”
“It was with Cash…I’m sleeping with Cash again. Well, I was. I’m not anymore. Definitely not,” I say finally, as I watch her face morph in anger.
“You don’t sleep with the ex! Come on Grace, that’s dating 101. You break up and you quit him cold turkey.” She groans and rubs a hand over her face. “Ugh, especially when you’re in love with your ex like you are. Oh God, Grace. You’re a matchmaker, for fuck’s sake! What is wrong with you?”
Throwing my head back on the coach, I groan, “I know, I’m completely pathetic. I’ll stop; I promise.” And then because I really am pathetic, a sob escapes. It feels like I’m losing him all over again.
“Grace, baby, no. You aren’t pathetic…he’s pathetic. Stringing you along like this. God, I could kill him.”
I turn to face her, my head still resting on the cushion as tears stream down my face. “It’s not him. It’s me. I’m the one controlling this. I’m the one who called him, asking him to meet me for secret sex. I’m the one who showed up tonight in fucking crotchless panties.It’s me,”I admit pathetically.
This is exactly why I wasn’t thinking. I was just living in the moment. Because when I really think about it, I see just how bad of an idea it was. And the worst part is, the idea that I just ended it—whateveritwas—that I’m losing that last little piece of him again, fucking kills me.
Tessa pushes closer and wraps her arm around me, pulling me onto her shoulder. She drops a kiss on my head and rubs my arm reassuringly. “I’m going to skip over the crotchless panties part even though it’s killing me because now is not the time to tease you about that.” I look up at her and see her smiling down. It makes it hurt a little less. She winks. “I know it hurts, darling. I know it’s hard. But there’s no way around a breakup other than pushing through it. And unfortunately, that means you have to feel the pain, work through the pain, and learn to live without the other person.”
I nod my head against her chest as the tears continue to mount. Dammit, for a few weeks there I had myself fooled. I really thought I was over this. That I had all the control. That I’d taken my power back. But the second I allowed Cash back into my life, I lost every ounce of self-respect. I gave away even more pieces of me, and now I’m just a shell of myself. Clearly, I wasn’t over him. And I can’t help but wonder if I ever really will be.
