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18
The misty silence still engulfed me as the rain washed the earth, causing the murmurs of the people around me to fall on deaf ears.
Murmurs I’d never wanted to hear.
Whispers of support and sorrow. Arrangements made as part as Mom’s care. Details of a slumber from which she never awoke… Promises that time would heal my wounds.
But I was just… numb.
No tears.
No pain.
I could feel nothing, only the raindrops sliding over my face while I glanced at a beautiful sea of white flowers, adorning the place where my mother now lay peacefully. The priest pulled a white rose from Mom’s bouquet, handing it to me as a token, and I silently watched her be lowered into the earth. Others dropped white roses onto her grave, paying their respects, saying goodbye to someone they never really knew. Only I did.
“Braxton…”
My head turned to find Mr. Di Rossi placing his umbrella over me. Too late for that, but I didn’t really care.
“I’m sorry the suit you bought me got wet. I’ll send it to the cleaners and return—” My words stopped when he hugged me, tears brimming from his eyes.
As he let me go, I glanced around me, to see every face streaked with the tears I couldn’t shed. The ones I supposed should be tearing through me. One by one those present hugged me, leaving to their cars.
Standing under the tent, I crouched and placed one hand on the cold earth, fingers curling around it until the soil felt like it was part of me. My eyes went to the beautiful white casket below, and I slowly let the grains fall from my fingers. “Bye, Mom.”
Someone dragged a handkerchief over my palm when I stood, and I turned to see Suzie tugging at my sleeve. Taking off my wet jacket, I carried her in my arms, covering her as I walked back to the car—still holding the white rose.
The murmurs returned.
“He’s in shock…”
“Why hasn’t he cried?”
“Maybe he needs a doctor…”
“Just give him time…”
Stepping out of someone’s car when we arrived at the house, I silently walked through a room filled with casseroles and sympathy cards; Suzie slept in my arms. People gathered in the hallway, living room, and kitchen, lighting candles and discreetly glancing towards me. My lost eyes noticed Nick, Sam, and Peter stood there, and part of me wondered why they weren’t at the Subway.
Perhaps I was in shock.
Unresponsive, I climbed the stairs, walking to Mrs. Reyes' room. I gently placed Little Suzie on the bed, taking off her shoes and straightening the blanket over her white dress, then stepped into the hallway. My feet halted when I got back to the staircase.
“Is she still asleep?” Mrs. Reyes asked, forcing my eyes from the wall to her face. I nodded, and she pulled me into a hug, her tears wetting my shirt. Leaning away, she wiped her cheeks. “I’m sorry. Are you going back downstairs?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, unable to focus.
“I know right now socializing is the last thing you feel like doing,” she offered, taking the rose I still held from my fingers. Breaking the stem, she caringly placed it into my shirt pocket. “But they all came to be there for you. Maybe you should let them. It might make you feel better.”
Nodding, I let her pull me down to the living room.
Mr. Di Rossi was the first one to approach me. “Braxton… We are here for you, whatever you need.” He patted my arm reassuringly.
“I can’t—” I swallowed, glancing at him. “I’m sorry. I can’t work.”
“Son, that is the least of my worries right now. Take the time you need. A week. A month. It doesn’t matter. You need to be okay.”
“I can’t,” I repeated, shaking my head. “I can’t work for you anymore. I won’t be okay,” I confessed, seeing the worry and sadness shine in his eyes.
