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“I’ve been thinking about it, James. David and I were Mama’s only living children—but they lost four others. The housekeeper told me today. And Violet had no living children. Mama and Violet were their parent’s only living children—and Violet was ten years older than Mama.”
He sighed behind her. “You’re afraid of what this means for you.”
“Forus, if we were to marry!”
“If?”
“James, I saw your elation with my own eyes. How much becoming a father meant to you. I understand; it’s with the same eagerness that I wish to be a mother.”
“Och, Clara.” He kissed her head.
“All this time, I’ve hated the idea of being wedded only to serve as a broodmare.” Her voice shook. “What if all along, I somehow knew I’d be a failure at it?”
“Whether we have bairns, or whether it’s the two of us, we’ll be together, Clara.”
“You said we’d fill your house!” Sobbing now, “What if I can’t even fill one cradle?”
“Come here,” James urged her to roll over in his arms. She stiffened. “Please.Losing the bairn was hard enough, but I won’t lose you, too, do you hear?”
She couldn’t resist his comfort anymore, not when she heard his anguish and his love. She turned into his arms, tears flowing. “What if I’m no good for you? What if we never have children?”
Clara felt him swallow hard, and he was silent for a while, though his arms held her tight, and one hand stroked her hair. “You know very well, Clara, why I’m marrying you. It’s for the bird collection.”
She froze, trying to understand his words. Aunt Violet’s birds? She erupted in giggles even as the tears continued to fall.
“The first time I went into your parlor,” he continued, “I felt all those beady eyes on me, and I knew theyhadto be mine.”
She batted his shoulder lightly. “You fool!”
He caught her hand and raised it to his lips. “Aye. Reduced to a bumbling fool from the day I saw you in your brother’s library. I sawyouthat day, Clara. Not a broodmare. And it’s you I still want.”
“Even if it’s just me?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “You’re right that I was happy about the bairn—very. But no one’s more important to me than you. If the babes come, the babes come. And I think they will. But if they dinna, I’ll still be happier with you than I ever believed I could be.”
“Truly?”
“Aye. Until I met you, I didn’t know I wanted a houseful of bairns. Because I don’t just wantany, Clara. I want yours.”
“Oh, James, it would be difficult enough for me to accept being barren, but if you were disappointed in me, or hated me for it, I couldn’t bear that. Could you truly accept me if…”
A shiver ran down through his body and he held her tighter, wrapped his legs around hers, anchoring them both. “I accept you and love you, Clara, with or without children.”
“How? I’m angry even at myself!”
“This isn’t your fault. This isn’t a fault! I don’t look with fondness on everything the reverend said to me growing up, but he was right about some things. A tragedy like this is a mystery we can’t understand.”
She sighed raggedly, hearing his suffering. “I know you feel deep sorrow, too. I’m sorry for being callous towards you this week. I—”
“You don’t have to explain. You’re bleeding still, Clara. Healing in every way.”
“I don’t want you to be alone through this.Idon’t want to be alone. I was just afraid of your pain, that it was my fault. Or that our pain together was more than I can bear. But now that we’re sharing it…”
“We’ll see each other through, Clara. It’s a cruelty I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but supporting each other through this will bind us all the more.”
Minutes passed as they held each other, comforted each other.
“James, do you remember when we walked near my mother’s gazebo? I said I didn’t want to visit closer?” After his sound of agreement, Clara shared what she learned from Mrs. Watts. “I think I’d like to plant something in honor of our babe. Will you be there with me?”
“Yes,” said he, tears in his voice. “And I’ll tell our babe she was loved. She was conceived in love, and is ours, always will be, even if never held in our arms.”
Air rushed out of her lungs; she couldn’t speak, only cry again.
When James cried with her, she wasn’t afraid this time; she held him as he held her.
