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Chapter Twelve
Beatrice was terribly confused. She had believed that despite her disappointments over the nature of her marriage, she had at least accepted what was and would stop wishing for more. She had been certain of William’s intentions to keep theirs a proper aristocratic marriage, devoid of passion. Together, they would share a home and family. He would support her in her household decisions, and she would bolster his career.
So why is he looking at me like that?
This time together in the nursery after the children’s breakfast and before she and William had theirs was always precious—and increasingly challenging. His affection and involvement with the children was something she valued a great deal, but it hinted at the man she wished he could be withher. When their children launched themselves at him, he pulled them close. With aplomb and even humor, he accepted the messes they transferred onto him, whether it was Miriam’s watercolors or Ben’s drool.
It wasn’t jealousy that rose up from that, more a wish that he could allow himself to be as messy and free with her as he was with his children. He had made his choice not to be, and as long as that was the case, she was committed to preserving the good between them and accepting the rest.
Today, however, his gaze upon her as they sat on the nursery carpet was…unnerving. She used to bask in those looks of longing, but she couldn’t now. Something had changed this morning, and it had her doubting her sanity. At first, she had even believed she was seeing things that weren’t there. After William had conscientiously treated her with nothing more than tepid affection, why would he return tothis?
Heart racing, Bea pretended not to notice, nor did she encourage him by smiling or otherwise showing her approval. She clapped with Benjamin, babbled back to him, and delighted when he crawled fiendishly between her and William, pulling himself up to stand with their help.
William moved closer and took her hands, lifting their joined arms to create a railing of sorts that Ben could hold onto and walk within. They had done this with their three other children, and the tender moment pulled at her heart strings. But when Ben dropped down to a crawl and took off under their arms, her husband did not let go of her hands. Stroking them gently with his thumbs, he stayed joined with her.
Panic made her draw her hands back.No, don’t do this to me!She wouldn’t let him blur the lines again. Her heart and body couldn’t tolerate the confusion; they couldn’t help but want more.It was a relief when the time came to go downstairs for breakfast. She and William did fine with a table between them and a routine to observe.
But as soon as they reached the stairs, he stopped her. “I need to speak with you, my lady. May I join you in your bed chamber?”
“I—I suggest we speak at breakfast, my lord.”
He shook his head gently. “What I have to say to you requires privacy.”
The tenderness in his eyes at once comforted her and scared her. She could not afford to be beguiled again. “As you see fit, my lord.”
When they entered her chamber, two maids curtsied and left. The women had just finished making her bed, and as soon as they were gone, William closed the door.
“I hope what I have to say to you is welcome, Bea,” he said in a low but encouraging tone, seeing her apprehension. “For our entire marriage, I have tried to do what I thought was right. But now I know I’ve been utterly wrong.” He extended both of his hands toward hers and waited for her to decide whether to take them.
Clutching her skirts to prevent herself from touching him, she asked breathlessly, “What do you mean?”
He dropped his hands and stepped closer. “I believed I needed to protect us both from allowing ourselves to be carried away in our conjugal duties. To honor you by keeping a certain…decorum between us.” He swallowed. “I don’t want to anymore, Bea. I don’t want us to be distant as we have been. I don’t want to push you away anymore. I wantyou.”
Her breath rushed out and she covered her mouth, afraid she was hallucinating. “Don’t…don’t say this unless you mean it, William. You know who I am. What I’ve wanted with you. If it’s too much for you, don’t—“
“It’s not.You’renot.” He held her by the shoulders. “I’m sorry! Sorry for hurting you. I’ve wanted the same thing as you. You have no idea how much!” he whispered roughly.
“Why? Why have we not had it, then?”
“I’ve been a coward.”
His response was so unexpected, her mouth fell open.
“I’ve told myself I’m protecting your honor and your body by turning you away, but most of all, I’ve been protecting myself.” His voice dropped. “There’s a part of me that believes I’ll be destroyed if I give in to you.”
With trembling hands, Bea cupped his face, sensing his real pain. “Destroyed?”
“It sounds insane when I put it into words, but I…I’ve feared that if we give in to each other, we’ll consume each other. That without limits, I’ll never want to leave this bedchamber. Eat again. That I’ll want you more than I want to attend a parliamentary debate. To fence.”
She unsuccessfully fought a smile, and was relieved when he smiled, too. “Oh, William, I know what you mean—but you’re not like that! Nothing will stop you from your other duties, not evenus.”
“It’s not rational. I’m telling you what itfeelslike. Like there’s a beast within me that must be kept in chains, or else…”
“If you have a beast within you, I do, too. And mine wants to be with yours!”
His hands closed over hers on his cheeks. “I know. But what if they—we—turn on each other? Bea, you’ve met my mother, and you know something of my childhood. My parentshatedeach other with a passion, but it wasn’t always so, not in the beginning. After they turned on each other, nothing else mattered.”
“You have been the father to our children you wished you’d had, William. Even if something happened between us, you wouldn’t be like him, I know it. As I would never be like your mother!”
