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“Oh, knock it off, Nicky. If you’re able to look up this stuff online, then you can handle talking about it with me.” He sobered slightly, forehead smoothing out. “I’m not making fun of you for this, kid. While I wish we wouldn’t be having this talk for many, many years, I’d rather know you’re being safethan make assumptions.” He looked back down at the kit in his lap. “Pretty soon, you’re going to be old enough that you won’t care about what I think. I’ll just be here, getting older, wishing my son would come visit me and—”
“This is blatant manipulation,” Nick grumbled. “And you know it.”
“It is,” Dad agreed. “Working?”
Strangely, it was. Oh, Nick was never going to forgive his father for this, but how many queer kids had parents who’d go out and buy a freakingenema kit,of all things? Not many, Nick thought, and while he currently wished his father would spontaneously combust, he knew he was one of the lucky ones. Dad didn’t have to do this—and honestly, Nick really,reallywished he wouldn’t—but he had, and Nick could almost picture him standing in a store, nodding along as the clerk explained enemas to him.
His father was ridiculous. Stupidly, wonderfully ridiculous, and Nick didn’t know where he’d be without him.
So he steeled his nerves and pushed himself to his feet. Refusing to meet Dad’s gaze, he stalked over to the bed, slumping down next to him. “Fine,” he muttered, arms crossed. “Since you went to the trouble and all, might as well.”
Dad bumped his shoulder against Nick’s. “Might as well. Here.” He handed over the solution and the plastic bottle. He left the nozzle on his lap. “You should do it since you’re the one who’ll be using it. Pour the solution in the bottle. See that line on the side? That’ll tell you how much to use.”
Nick nodded, setting the bottle between his knees and unscrewing the cap to the solution. Carefully, he poured it in, making sure to not go past the line to avoid saline squirting out his eyes and ears. This showed him he didn’t really understand how anatomy worked, so perhaps that was something he needed to focus on ahead of his last year of high school.
“Good,” Dad said. “That should be enough.” He held out the nozzle. “Just screw that into the top, and you’ll be good to go. According to the box, the nozzle has twenty-five percent morelubrication to make for easy insertion.” He puffed out his chest. “I spared no expense, of course. Only the best for a Bell anus.”
“Dad,” Nick said through gritted teeth.
Dad rolled his eyes. “What? I care.”
“A little too much, if you ask me.”
“Good thing no one did,” Dad said cheerfully. “So, now that you have the solution and the nozzle attached, the instructions say you’ll want to do this in the bathroom to avoid making a mess. Above the toilet or in the shower.” He grimaced. “Just… make sure you clean up anything so I don’t have to see it.”
Nick turned over the bottle in his hand, the solution sloshing back and forth. “Seems easy enough.” He squinted down at the nozzle. “What happens after I put it—”
“What are you guys talking about?”
When one is startled out of an enema-centric conversation with their father by their superhero boyfriend unexpectedly climbing in through an open window (and looking like a damnedsnack,what with his curls and his face and his entire existence), one tends to react involuntarily and without thinking. Case in point: Nick yelped, squeezing the bottle so hard that it went almost flat, causing saline to squirt into his eyes and face and open mouth. He screeched and hurled the bottle across the room, where it hit Seth’s forehead and fell to the floor, bouncing, little arcs of saline flying through the air.
“Myeyes!” Nick wailed, solution dripping from his mouth onto his lap. “The stuff that was made for anuses is in every placebut my anus!”
“The what iswhere?” Seth asked, sounding as if someone had kicked him in the nuts, in that it came out as a squeak.
“Oh boy,” Dad said, patting Nick on the back as his son continued screaming that he wasblind,that his eyesight had beendestroyed,and someone was going to need to ask the college admissions board for disability accommodations on his behalf. “I think if it’s good enough to go inside you, it’s fine that it’s in your eyes. But just to be safe, let me read through the rest of the instructions. If anything, we can call poison control and askthem if solutions in enema kits are something that needs medical attention when used incorrectly.”
“Enema kits,” Seth repeated dubiously, taking a step back toward the window. “Oh no. I just realized that a supervillain is destroying Nova City and I need to go save everyone. What terrible timing. I’ll—”
“Don’t leave me,” Nick pleaded, rubbing his eyes furiously, blinking against the burn. “My father is holding me captive and I demand that you save me!”
Dad said, “Says here that you should be fine, so long as you don’t try and drink any more than you already have. But since there is a laxative component, you might experience some cramping.” He smiled. “There. See? We’re good.”
“What aboutany of thisis good?” Nick growled at him, more than a little Guardian filling his voice.
“Well,” Dad said, “at least now you know hownotto do an enema.” He glanced at Seth, who was so pale, it looked as if he’d never met a color in his life. “Seth, I’m really happy you’re here. Come on. Sit down. We can learn about enemas together. Nick is already practically an expert, so you’re in good hands.” He laughed. “That’salsofigurative and literal, if you think about it. Get it? Because—”
“Getout!” Nick shouted, rising from the bed and grabbing Dad by the arm, jerking him toward the door. “You’ve already made me enema my face, and now you want Seth to join in this travesty? Irefuse.Leave this place and think about what you’ve done. We’re going to have a long talk later about boundaries and the need you feel to educate me on how to have gay sex when you’ve never done it!”
And as if Dad’s sole mission was to make the day even worse, he said, “How do you know I’ve never had sex with another guy? College, Nicky. I did things I haven’t even told you—wow.You are a hell of a lot stronger than you look. Seth, he’s ready for those fifteen-pound barbells.”
Before Nick slammed the door in his face, he leaned forward, dropping his voice so that it was barely above a whisper.“I will be your ending,” he promised darkly. “You won’t ever see it coming. But for the rest of your life, you’ll have to watch over your shoulder, knowing that I will one day be there, ready to have my revenge.” Then, because it needed to be said (even if it was just alittlequieter), “Thank you for loving me too much.”
Dad’s expression softened. “That doesn’t even begin to cover it, Nicky,” he whispered back. “Anything for you.”
Nick nodded and raised his voice. “And you will suffer!”Thenhe slammed the door in Dad’s face, but not before Dad grinned at him. His footsteps faded as he went down the hall, the only sound coming from the open window.
Nick pressed his forehead against the door, not wanting to face Seth just yet.
