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CHAPTER14
Sariah
In the lead-up to the wedding I feel nauseous, like my belly is a stormy sea. Clinging to my memories of Luke is all that gets me through. It’s his face I see when I try on my wedding dress. It’s his hands I feel when Jeremiah touches me. It’s his voice I hear when my father snarls terrible curses at me.
I exist in a daze, trying not to count down the days to my doom. At least I know I will go to my wedding bed having experienced the gentle touch of the man I wanted. I do not think Jeremiah will seek to pleasure me in the same way Luke did.
As always when I think about him, my face relaxes and I feel at ease. In my dreams I imagine I run away with Luke, and we start a new life far from Declan’s reach. I consider running more than once, but my fear keeps me trodden down, unable to bring myself to do what is necessary. Declan also increases my guards, making it impossible to sneak out. They stand sentry outside my room and underneath my window. I can barely take a bathroom break without someone watching the door. I am more of a prisoner than I have ever been. The little dove has had her wings ripped off.
I hate it.
I feel alone and helpless. I hate myself for not fighting, but I have no fight left to give.
On the day of the wedding, I spend the first half hour of the morning in the bathroom puking my guts up. Unease slithers across my skin as I think about what is coming. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.
I want to hide in my bedroom all day, but the wedding planner comes to get me dressed. If she notices I’m barely keeping it together, she doesn’t show it. She busies herself around making sure my hair and make-up are perfect. At any other time, I might enjoy this pampering. Right now, it just feels like I have shackles around my wrists moving me closer to a fate I do not want. I don’t pretend to be happy. I can’t.
As I stare at myself in the mirror hanging over my dressing table, my make-up pristine over my face, I don’t recognise the woman staring back at me. Dark eyes, fake lashes, rosy cheeks, my hair piled in curls on top of my head. I look beautiful, more perfect than I’ve ever looked in my life.
I’m a doll.
They dressed me up and painted my face on, hiding the bruises my father had given me, but they can’t hide the sadness in my eyes. Nothing can hide that. I peer at my white gown. The bodice is exquisite, inlaid with pearls and beads that shimmer in the light. The sweetheart neckline accentuates my shoulders and neck, giving me the appearance of a swan. The skirts are huge and fluffy, and they engulf most of the stool I’m sitting on, which has disappeared beneath the sea of taffeta and lace.
“Just the veil now, Sariah,” the wedding planner says. “You do make a beautiful bride.”
I lower my gaze from the mirror, not wanting to look at myself any longer. The wedding planner moves behind me and places my veil on the back of my head. She flips the heavy lace over my face, shrouding me from the world. It feels hot as my breath has nowhere to go. Did they choose this veil on purpose so the guests in the church won’t see my tears? At least not until the final moment, when Jeremiah is allowed to lift it so he can kiss me after we’ve been pronounced man and wife.
“The car is waiting for you.”
It might as well be a hearse taking me to my own funeral.
I stand slowly, adjusting to the weight of the dress, and I lift the skirts so I can step into beautiful white heels with diamonds on the front. I smooth my dress down and stare at the door. Then I blow out a breath and follow the wedding planner out of the room.
It’s difficult to navigate the stairs and she has to help me, lifting the back of my dress so I don’t trip. Part of me wishes I would. Maybe then the wedding would be called off.
No such luck. I make it to the bottom unhindered.
Declan is waiting by the door, dressed in his suit with his hair slicked back and smart. He doesn’t look at me like the doting father. There is no pride or joy in his eyes. He drags a critical gaze over me and must find me satisfactory because he moves out of the house towards the shiny black car that is waiting outside.
The wedding planner helps me into the vehicle, pushing my dress into the footwell and closing the door behind me. I feel like I’m suffocating with the amount of lace surrounding me, and I close my eyes behind the veil, hoping Declan can’t see me breaking down internally.
I keep Luke’s face in my mind, and it helps slow my breathing. In less than an hour’s time I will be Mrs Sariah Wood. The name doesn’t fit me. It’s like a jigsaw piece that has been forced into the wrong slot.
My father doesn’t speak as the car moves up the driveway towards the main gate of the house. He doesn’t say a word to me until halfway to the church when he tells me, “You will find some happiness with him.”
I’m not sure if he’s feeling guilty for what he’s doing as the realisation sets in that he is selling me to this man. His words surprise me though.
I stare out of the side window through my veil, watching the world pass me by in a blur of motion. “What do you care if I’m happy?”
“I believed you were my daughter for a long time, Sariah.” He says as if that excuses his behaviour—as if it fixes everything he’s done.
I turn to face him, and I let my anger seep into my words. “And yet you’d sell me to a man I don’t want. You’ve never seen me as your daughter from the moment you learned about my mother’s infidelity.” Declan flinches as if I’ve struck him. Then he steels his jaw, and I think he’s going to grab me by the face, but instead he just crosses his hands in his lap.
“I hope you never love someone as deeply as I loved your mother,” he says, his voice soft but laced with hurt. “Her affair destroyed me. She gutted me and ripped out my heart when I learnt you weren’t mine. Do you have any idea what it’s like to think you are a father and then learn the child you doted on is nothing to do with you?”
“The difference is, Declan, I would never have taken that out on the child. What happened wasn’t my fault.”
“You look like her.” His eyes go to the window as he speaks. “I couldn’t bear looking at you after what she did. I still can’t.”
