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“But it’s my shit. Mine. Not yours. I made mistakes, I can admit that. I’m the one who should have to deal with the consequences. But you never even give me a chance to. I know you do it because you love me,” she continues when I can’t hold back a wounded little noise. “I’m not mad at you, but I kind of am at the same time. Because you’re only hurting yourself, and I can’t be the reason for that anymore. Got it?”
“I don’t know what you expect me to do.”
“I expect you to at least give me the chance to stick up for myself from now on. I know you’re only doing it because you love me, but I need you to love yourself a little bit. Because I love you.”
“I know you do.”
“So no more jumping in and taking everything on yourself without giving me a chance to handle it. Agreed?”
“Where is this coming from?”
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Fine, fine, agreed. But I still want to know. Where is all this coming from?”
“I guess I’ve had some time to think things over, lying here without much to do. I guess I never really had a lot of time to make choices. I was always just trying to get by.”
“Same here,” I agree.
“And now I don’t have a choice but to think things through and try to make a plan. I need to get myself together. No more trying to find a protector, because there’s no such thing. I have to be my own protector. I want to try to go to school come somehow, even if I have to take my time and go class by class. I want to get a job, a real job. I need to start building my life. And I want that for you, too.”
I can hardly handle how happy it makes me to hear that—and I hope it’s not pain meds talking. “I’ve done my best so far.”
“I know, you’ve always been good at taking care of yourself. Now just think how much better you’ll be at it when you don’t have to worry about taking care of me.”
“I’ll never stop wanting to take care of you, so don’t even bother thinking that’s possible.”
“So long as you give me a chance to do it myself every once in a while, that’s all I ask.”
“I guess I can try.”
“Thanks. Don’t hurt yourself or anything.” It’s so good hearing her sarcastic little quips that tears spring to my eyes. I hate thinking how close I came to never hearing them again.
One thing about her has always been her talent for switching topics with no warning. “So where are they on finding the guy who hurt you?”
There goes all that nervous energy again. I almost jump up from the chair and resume my pacing. “It’s funny you should mention it. Luca has a meeting with another boss or whatever they’re called in an hour. It has something to do with that guy, whatever his name is. We still don’t know.”
“Did they track him down?”
“It seems like they might have. I don’t know specifics, because I don’t think Luca does, either. It sounds like the boss guy wants to smooth things over somehow.”
“Do you think he means it?”
“I’ve never met the guy, so I couldn’t tell you. But I hope so. I hate the thought of something bad happening.”
“You like him, don’t you? I can tell, so don’t bother pretending. You don’t act like a girl who’s being held against her will.”
“I can’t tell if you think that’s disgusting or what.”
“What does it matter what I think? All that matters is the way you feel.”
“Bullshit,” I mutter. “It matters a lot what you think.”
“Delilah, if something good came into your life, does it really matter how it got there? Both of us have spent our whole lives dealing with rotten, miserable, nasty shit. You more than me, even. So why shouldn’t you take a little bit of happiness wherever you found it?”
“But…”
“I know. You don’t feel like it’s right. All that matters is how you feel about him, and how he feels about you. Listen, I know he doesn’t really care about me for my sake, individually. It’s all because of you. He wants to do right by you. Why else would he go to all this trouble? He doesn’t owe me a thing.”
