Page 109 of If I Could


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“I don’t get that,” he says. “Why would you want to read about that? Unless it has a happy ending, like a kid who was kidnapped but then reunited with his parents. But even then, I don’t get the appeal. As a parent, you’d read that and worry your kid’s going to get kidnapped. Why is that fun to read? I don’t get it.”

“I don’t either,” Sage says. “I don’t read much, but if I did I’d want to read something happy or funny, not something that makes me sad.” She looks at Josh. “Like that guy you said murdered his wife? I don’t want to read about that. I don’t care how interesting the story is, with all the mistresses and whatever else he was hiding. I still wouldn’t want to read it.”

“It’s hard sometimes,” Josh says. “Some of the shit you see in this job is stuff you wish were fiction. Stuff that doesn’t happen in real life. But unfortunately it does and that’s the part of the job I hate.”

“You ever regret being a cop?” Sage asks.

“No. It’s tough but it’s also rewarding, especially when we’re able to help people. Like last year I found this kid who’d been missing. He wandered out of his babysitter’s house and was gone almost a day. His parents, understandably, assumed the worst. I was on duty when they reported him missing. I did a search of the area and found him at a neighbor’s house. The people weren’t home but they’d left their door unlocked. I found him on their kitchen floor eating peanut butter out of the jar. He was only four and had no clue he’d done anything wrong.”

“I’d be worried sick if I were his mom,” Sage says.

“Yeah, she thanked me about a million times for finding him. That’s the good part of the job. Being able to help out like that.”

“How many missing kids are ever found?” Sage asks. “Do you know?”

“I don’t have the exact number but I could find out. It seems like more and more kids go missing every year. Like just today, an alert came out about some kid who went missing in New York. A teenage boy. Been missing for a week now. His dad’s so worried he’s offered a reward of a million dollars for anyone who finds his kid.”

My heart pounds faster, my hand clenching under the table.

“He has that much money?” Sage asks.

“He’s some rich guy in Manhattan. A businessman. I don’t know what business he’s in but he obviously makes a lot of money.”

Fuck, what if it’s him? What if Cain ran away and my dad’s trying to find him? I can’t imagine Cain doing that. He has no reason to, unless my father did something that forced Cain to leave. But what would he do? My father’s never hit me so I know he’d never hit Cain. But if Cain saw or heard something he shouldn’t have, like I did…

I have to call him. I have to know he’s okay. A couple weeks ago I called him on that phone I got and he answered and sounded fine. He was even laughing when he picked up, thinking it was his friend. When I didn’t say anything, he realized it was a wrong number and hung up. I haven’t called him since. I’m too paranoid someone might find out it’s me or have some way of tracing the call to this location. I know that’s unlikely given that it’s a throwaway phone but I still worry.

“What’s even sadder,” Josh says, “is that the guy’s a widower. He lost his wife years ago and now he can’t find his teenage son.”

Fuck, it’s gotta be him. I clench my hand so tightly it’s cramping up.

“What’s he look like?” Sage asks. “If you have a photo I could send it to my mom and her friend. They live in New York. They could keep an eye out for him.”

“If he’s a runaway,” Josh says, getting his phone out, “he’s probably left the city. Same goes for if he’s been kidnapped. They’ll want to get him out of the local area where people are looking for him.” He swipes through his phone and my heart beats so fast I can barely breathe.

“This is him.” Josh holds his phone out to us.

I take it from him and see a kid with blond hair and braces. I let out the breath I was holding. It’s not Cain. I hand the phone to Sage, my heart slowly returning to normal.

“Maybe he got messed up with a gang,” I say. “Or got into drugs.”

“It’s possible,” Josh says. “Or he could’ve run off with a girl. He’d been talking to a girl online the past few months.”

Sage hands him the phone back. “I hope they find him.”

The waitress finally shows up at our table.

“Sorry for the wait,” she says. “We had to fill an order for the baseball team.” She laughs. “I can’t believe how much kids eat. They ordered enough pizza to feed the whole town. So what can I get you?”

“I think we need a minute,” Sage says. “We’ve been talking and haven’t looked at the menu.”

“No problem. I’ll come back.” She walks off.

I lean over to Sage and lower my voice. “I can’t stay. I’m not feeling well.”

It isn’t a lie. The stress I felt thinking my brother was missing has given me a horrible headache and made my stomach feel sick.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

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