Page 126 of If I Could


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I couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. I was too shocked.

“Answer me!” He shook my shoulders, then looked down and saw the photos in my hand. He yanked them from me. “What are you doing with these?”

“They were there.” I pointed to the ground but my eyes were still on my father. The murderer. I knew he wasn’t a good person but I had no idea he was capable of killing someone.

He tossed the photos aside and grabbed my shoulders, staring into my eyes. “You didn’t see anything. You hear me?”

“You killed him,” I said, searching my dad’s face, hoping I’d see that maybe he was on something. That this wasn’t him and that some pill he was taking made him do it. But I knew that wasn’t true. He wasn’t even nervous. He’d done this before, enough times that he didn’t even care that a dead man was lying on his lawn.

“That’s what happens when people fuck up and don’t do what they’re told.” He grabbed my shirt and yanked on it until my face was right next to his. I could feel his hot breath as he spoke. “You don’t keep your fucking mouth shut, you’ll end up just like him.”

“What?” I choked on the words. I couldn’t believe what he’d said. Threatening to kill his own son? Had he lost his mind?

“You heard me. None of what you saw today is real. It never happened. Do you understand me?”

I nodded as best I could but his tight hold on the neckline of my shirt was making it difficult.

“Good boy,” he said and then he slowly let me go. He smiled, but his eyes were dark and threatening. He didn’t trust me to keep quiet. I knew he didn’t. I could tell.

I hurried to my room and immediately started packing a bag. I didn’t know where I was going. I only knew I had to get out of there. As I was packing, I heard a knock on my door. I shoved the duffle bag in my closet, hiding it.

When I opened the door, I saw my father standing there. He’d changed into a suit. He gave me a wide smile and said, “I’m attending a benefit at the opera house tonight. I need you to keep an eye on your brother. He’ll be home soon.”

“Okay,” I answered a little too quickly.

He could tell I was on edge and patted me on the shoulder. “Jonathan, relax. There’s no reason to be nervous. Today was just a regular day. Isn’t that right?”

I quickly nodded. “Yes. A regular day.”

“I expect you to be here when I get back.”

“Of course I will. I have to watch Cain.”

He smirked. “You’re such a good son.” And then he left.

Cain had been out with a friend but got home just after my father left for the opera house. As usual, Cain raced to find me so he could tell me all about lacrosse practice and whatever else had happened at school that day. He’s a talkative kid. Always has been. I’m more of a listener, so I listened to him go on and on but didn’t hear what he was saying. My mind was focused on how to get the hell out of there. I didn’t trust my father.

I was right not to trust him because later that night, after Cain had gone to bed, I went down to my car to get my phone charger. The car was parked outside and when I went to open it, I felt something against the back of my head. I slowly turned around and saw two guys, both holding guns at me.

“Don’t!” I said in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake up Cain. His bedroom faced the front of the house and his windows were open. “Please don’t shoot. I have money. You can have my wallet.” I went to reach for it but the one guy grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“We don’t want your fucking money,” he said. “We work for your father.”

I suspected that but was hoping it wasn’t true.

“My father told you to shoot me?” I asked, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice.

“Your father told us to keep you quiet,” the other guy said. “By whatever means necessary.”

“I already told him I wouldn’t say anything.”

“Then consider this a warning.” The two guys smiled, then walked off into the dark cluster of trees that surrounded our property.

Back in the house, I went to my room and got the duffle bag I’d packed earlier, then went straight to the basement, to the storage room where we keep the junk we never use. Hidden behind one of the walls is a safe. There are safes hidden all over the house. About a year ago, I went down to the storage room and heard my dad mumbling to himself. He didn’t see me so I stayed and listened and realized he was mumbling the code to the safe as he opened it. I used that code to unlock the safe that night. I took all the money that was in there, over a hundred thousand dollars. I shoved it in my duffle bag, then took off.

There was a bus stop a block from the house. I got on the bus and took it to Grand Central Station. Knowing there were cameras everywhere, I tried to hide under a baseball cap and a hoodie. I took the train as far as I could, then took a bus and then another bus until I ended up in Kansas.

As soon as I got off the bus a guy came up to me asking for money. He had a motorcycle so I asked him if I could buy it. He didn’t want to sell it until I offered him way more than it was worth. It was a piece of shit bike but I needed a way to get around and it was my only option.

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