Page 140 of If I Could


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Cain remains on the stairs, looking confused. He’s wearing track pants and a t-shirt and looks taller than when I saw him last. He also looks older. I wasn’t gone that long. How did he change so much in just a few months?

“Why do you have a gun?” he asks, sounding scared as he continues down the stairs.

“I said go to your room!” my father yells even louder. “Right now!”

“No,” Cain quietly says. He comes up beside me and stops. “You can’t hurt my brother. I won’t let you.”

He’s such a good kid. He always has been. He has a huge heart.

“He’s not your brother,” my dad sputters. “Now get upstairs! And don’t come down until I tell you to!”

“What are you going to do now?” I ask my father, putting my arm around Cain. “Kill usboth? Are you going to kill your own son? Your ONLY son?”

Cain looks up at me. “What do you mean? You’re not my brother?”

I squeeze his shoulder. “I’ll always be your brother. That’ll never change.”

We both look back at our father.

“Get away from him,” he says to Cain.

“No,” Cain says defiantly. He usually doesn’t stand up to our father. I’m the only one who ever does that.

“Then you’ll be seeing something you don’t want to see.” My father aims the gun at my chest. “You sure you don’t want to leave, Cain?”

He’s challenging him but Cain remains at my side. He’s shaking. He’s so scared.

I don’t want him seeing this. Knowing I’m not my father’s real son, I have no doubt he’ll pull the trigger and I don’t want Cain to have that memory.

“Go upstairs,” I tell him, letting him go.

“I’m not letting him hurt you.”

“He won’t,” I assure him. “Dad and I were just talking and things got out of hand. He’s just angry. We’ll talk it out.”

Cain pauses, then says to our father, “I won’t let you hurt him.” He steps in front of me, in front of the gun.

“Cain, stop it!” I grab him and pull him back. I try to push him to the side but he keeps fighting me. Then he turns and grabs hold of me in a hug position, his arms so tight that I can’t get them loose.

“Listen to your brother,” my father says. “This is between him and me.”

Cain’s quietly crying now. “No. Please don’t hurt him.”

My heart aches for Cain. He’s only 12. He shouldn’t be seeing this. He shouldn’t be trying to protect me from the man who raised us. This is so wrong.

Cain lets me go and storms up to our father, his body just inches from the gun. “Put it down!”

“Cain, stop!” I come up behind him but he shoves me back. Hard. Harder than he’s ever done.

He’s up to something. He has a plan. A plan I’m sure I wouldn’t agree with if I knew what it was, but one I can’t stop. Cain is stubborn like me. If he’s determined to do something, he’ll find a way to do it.

“Back away,” my father says to Cain. “You’re going to get hurt.”

“Put it down.” Cain sets his eyes on our father. I remain just behind him, afraid if I move, one, or both of us, will get shot.

“Cain, just go to your room,” I tell him.

“If I go, he’ll shoot you. I’m not leaving.” I notice his foot make a slight twitch. His hands fist and release. He swallows. He’s about to do something. Something we’re probably both going to regret.

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