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This man had gone through enough trauma in one day for a lifetime, and there I was, making him relive it.
“I’m so sorry. I never should have asked. I am so sorry. I just—” I could hardly get any words out, I was so choked up. I guided his face up to me.
His eyes were bloodshot red, and his cheeks and neck were turning pink. “You don’t have to finish. I won’t ask anymore. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” I placed his head on my chest and whispered small reassurances in his ear until we had both calmed down enough to speak.
“The life I had was once ripped away from me. I can’t see that happen with anyone else. Especially you.” His enunciation of the ‘you’ hit my heart, and I could hardly take it. “I refuse to put myself in this position again. If you and I…got together and then it happened again, I wouldn’t survive another day.”
I sat up and placed my hand on his chest, looking up to meet his eyes and shake my head.
“Grant. I would rather live only one day getting to love you than a million years without you in my life.” He shook his head and stood up, leaving me alone on the couch.
“You don’t understand, Hart. I am not going to be with you. I won’t do it again.” He rubbed his eyes, how he always did when he was frustrated. “I know you, Hart. I know you want marriage, kids, a long driveway to a big white house; that’s what you deserve. I’m not the guy to give that to you, okay? I need you to understand that.”
I stood up next to him. “I don’t need all of that right away. I’m busy with work and volunteering, I don’t have to have all that right now. We can make this work, don’t give up just because you’re too scared.”
I understood where he was coming from. Everything clicked in place and made sense. Why he fought so hard, why he insisted on us only being friends, why every time we were so close, he pushed me away, why he ended up in this forsaken town anyway.
I could feel him distancing himself further and further. His silence in response to my outburst was the most uncomfortable stillness I had ever felt.
When his response did come, it was cold, sharp, and bitter.
“Stop acting like you understand. You don’t. You have no idea the burden of knowing you were the cause of someone’s death. The guilt I have for her is too big for me to ever be with you.”
And suddenly, I craved for the uncomfortable silence to come back. I needed him to say anything other than that.
I was a rational girl. I knew he was pushing me away on purpose, that he didn’t actually mean he didn’t want to be with me. That didn’t stop the sting in my chest and the pain shooting through my palms.
I was turned away from him, not wanting to give him the pleasure of seeing the tears that rolled further down my cheek.
“I told you from the beginning what this was, and you said it was okay.” His voice sounded like shards of glass coming through my ears.
“Yeah, well, I get it now. You can go.”
I wasn’t going to win this argument tonight, and I could accept that. If he wanted space, I’d give it to him.
Grant hesitantly walked out of my apartment, leaving me in a puddle of tears and wonder.
