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“You look like you might be sick,” Peter said as he crossed through the hall not far from me. He changed directions and headed straight toward me. “Is everything alright?”
I wanted to answer, but my mouth had gone dry.
I swallowed anyhow, then said, “I’m in love with a whore.”
Peter grinned as if I’d made a joke instead of sharing something that had my mind and heart in complete turmoil. “You should talk to Neil,” he said, his tone lighthearted. “He’s in love with two whores.”
I blinked, and my eyes went wide. Peter hadn’t scoffed at me admitting I was in love. He hadn’t teased me about falling for a stranger, or for the irony of Hayk being an honest to God whore, after the way I’d thrown that word around as an insult. In fact, he barely reacted at all, as if my feelings for Hayk were a given.
“It’s a problem, isn’t it?” I asked, borderline incredulous.
Peter shrugged. “Is it?”
“Yes!” I shouted. I couldn’t believe he was so nonchalant about the corner I was stuck in. “He fucks other people for money.”
“That’s just business,” Peter said, still failing to see the pain and the irony of the situation I was in. “We can all see that he’s interested in more than just business with you.”
“Can you?” The question came out exasperated, but I genuinely wanted to know.
“Yes,” Peter laughed. “The two of you are ridiculously smitten with each other.” He paused, grinned, and said, “It’s kind of cute, actually. And you’re lucky. Hayk is gorgeous.”
“He is,” I sighed, then rocked back and sat on the stairs. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts.
Peter sat on the stairs with me. I was so grateful for the gesture, but I still resented the grin he wore, as if everything in my life, all of the choices of my past—including the ones that had been made for me—and all of the decisions about my future hadn’t just come together into a single point.
“I don’t know what happened today,” I confided in him. It wasn’t the same as confiding in Ludvig. Peter occupied a different place in my life than Ludvig did. He was a friend, a brother. “I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to fall in love. I expected to wake up to another day of gritting my teeth and bearing with Dmitri, as his pup.”
Peter lost his ease. “Are you Dmitri’s pup?”
I shrugged, then let out a breath and shook my head. “I made a deal with Dmitri to be his pup in exchange for Ludvig’s life, but that was in the eastern forest, when we needed to escape from General Rufus. Ludvig is alive now, and nothing Dmitri can do will change that. I…I feel guilty about reneging on a promise that big—”
“Donotfeel guilty over Dmitri,” Peter told me with stark seriousness. “He doesn’t deserve your pity or your consideration. Not after everything he’s done. He would betray you in an instant if he had half a chance.”
“I know,” I said quietly.
I decided then and there that I wouldn’t tell Peter I intended to make sure Dmitri escaped from the Hakobyan estate. He might try to stop me, and I wasn’t sure he would understand my reasons.
“I’m so confused, Peter,” I went on, letting my expression show just how much. “I’ve never felt such an instant connection with someone in my life, but he’s all wrong for me. Hayk is the exact opposite of the sort of man I thought I’d fall in love with.”
“Who did you think you’d fall in love with?” Peter asked.
Again, I was surprised that he didn’t make fun of me or tell me I was ridiculous and Hayk was wonderful and I would be an idiot to let him slip through my fingers.
Because of that, I tried to answer as honestly as I could. “I always imagined I’d be with someone serious and strong. Someone who was sure of himself and…and maybe in a position of authority?”
“So, you imagined you’d be with Ludvig?” Peter suggested.
“Maybe? But that didn’t work out,” I said. “Although I will always love Ludvig, just not that way.” I glanced up the stairs. “I just came from speaking with him.”
“And what does Ludvig think of this whole thing with Hayk?”
My face heated. I had gone years without talking about my feelings with anyone, and now I was in the second sensitive conversation within an hour.
“He said I should have an affair with Hayk and enjoy myself to the fullest, and that I shouldn’t put pressure on myself to expect more than a good time.”
Peter smiled broadly. “That’s exactly what Magnus would say. It’s what I say too.”
“But how can I do that when Hayk is a whore in Good Port and I’m….” I let my sentence trail off. I didn’t know what I was, really, or where I belonged.
