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I sat straighter, and my brow flew up.
“You need an expert to fuck you into a puddle on a regular basis to get you out of your head,” he said, grinning. “You desperately need someone who will make you stop thinking about everything so much and who will get you to just feel things. Then maybe you’ll stop being such a pill.”
“I am not a pill,” I protested.
“Yes, you are,” Peter said, elbowing me again. “You’re a sour, bitter pill, and you need someone to fuck that out of you.”
“What if I’m the one who wants to do the fucking?” I asked.
Peter looked surprised and delighted by that. “Are you?”
I shrugged, fighting the urge to shrink in on myself again. “I don’t know. I haven’t experimented much with topping.”
“Then there you go,” Peter said, gesturing as if he’d made a point. “Let Hayk be your experiment. The two of you can fuck each other silly.”
“If he’s not too exhausted from fucking for money,” I grumbled.
“Is that your worry?” Peter asked. “That he’ll be too worn out by other men to want you?”
I didn’t realize that that was exactly my problem until Peter put it into words.
“Can’t I just have someone who wants me and only me, and who actually loves me, for once?” I asked on a sigh.
“Yes,” Peter said, still seeming to think the whole thing was funny. “And if you ask me, that man could be Hayk. You can love one person—or two in my case—but fuck as many others as your lover allows you without any emotional attachment. And remember, Hayk and Billie didn’t enter those contracts themselves, their father sold them. If you ask me, it’s impressive that the two of them have upheld the deal someone else made for them for so long in such good faith.”
Peter smiled, as if a few things had just occurred to him. “Hayk is a really honorable whore, if you think about it, and he’s a good man. Just like you. I think the two of you could have a wonderful life together. But not if you don’t even give him a chance.”
“I suppose that’s it, then. I have to just jump off the cliff and see how far the drop is,” I said. I then closed my eyes and groaned in frustration. “Why does everything involve such a big risk? Why can’t I just want something and have it without struggling?”
“It’s called life,” Peter laughed, squeezing my shoulder. “Do you think it was easy for me to get to where I am with Magnus and Neil? Do you need me to tell you about my time in Sascha’s pack again?”
I winced and turned my head to look at him. He meant Dmitri, I was sure.
Dmitri was still my problem. He was still hiding in the estate somewhere, and I still needed to get him out.
Before I had a chance to say anything about that, Neil stuck his head out of a doorway farther along the hall. When he saw us, he smiled in relief, then stepped out into the hall. Hayk was a few steps behind him.
“There you are,” Neil said, glancing to Peter. “You left for the washroom and never came back.”
“I ran into someone who needed a shoulder to cry on,” Peter said, getting up and crossing the hall to slip his arms around Neil and kiss him.
“Shoulder to cry on?” Hayk looked suddenly alarmed as he strode across the hall from the room Neil had been in to the stairs. “Is something wrong? Did Ludvig say something to upset you?”
I stood, sorely tempted to slip into his arms and kiss him the way Peter had kissed Neil.
On second thought, why shouldn’t I kiss Hayk like that if I wanted to?
“Nothing is wrong,” I said, catching him around the waist when he came close and pulling him against me. “Nothing is wrong now.”
I kissed him, and Hayk responded at once. For a few, wonderful seconds, everything seemed clear.
“The pre-supper entertainment is about to start,” Neil told Peter while I still had my mouth fused to Hayk’s. “There isn’t going to be any dance tonight, since too many of Lord Vikhrov’s servants are upset about Eneko and the estate being on lockdown, but there’s a singer and a few musicians. And Lady Zendaya is furious with everyone and has already made two of the serving girls burst into tears. But I can smell the food, and I think they’ve outdone themselves in the kitchens again.”
“Should we join them?” Hayk asked, leaning back while still in my embrace and darting a glance to the door. “Or should we….” He wiggled his eyebrows.
My insides filled with warmth. I liked him. I absolutely liked him. So much. I didn’t want to lose this chance to see if it could become more. Even if he was a whore and I was selfish and the entire situation was hopeless.
“I’ve already missed one meal today and had to beg for scraps in the kitchen,” I said, slipping out of his embrace and taking his hand so I could lead him on to the dining room door. “I’m not missing another.”
