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“Because I need to know that you’ll stay.” Athena looks up at me with those wide eyes, dark and deep, and there’s that vulnerable look there again that I suddenly understand. “I need to know you can handle it. That you won’t run when this is all over, and it’s the three of you.” She swallows hard, her eyes flicking down to my mouth and then back up. “I need Cayde and Dean, Jaxon. But Ineedyou too.”
Her lips press against mine again, and I can feel her chest heaving against me, her back arching as she kisses me breathlessly. I can feel it, all of her need and her fear, and I want to hold her, to tell her that it will be alright, that I won’t leave. But I can’t, and I know why she’s holding me against the wall like this, why she needs to feel that power.
I know why she’s afraid that I’ll run. After all, that’s what I’ve always tried to do.
She presses her forehead against mine, her lips still brushing against mine, breathing hard as she squeezes my wrists. And then she steps back, turning away.
“Let’s go for that ride.”
18
JAXON
Not reaching for her when she stepped away, as turned on as I was, was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I follow her out of the shower, willing my erection to go away as we throw on clean clothes and head out to where my bike is parked. “You want to go out to the cliff?” I ask her, and she nods.
I don’t have to ask her why, even as I hesitate to go. There’s more than just memories of Athena out there for me, but for her that’s all it is. It’s the night I rescued her after the pledge party in the basement, which by this point feels so long ago that it might as well have been years instead of months. It’s the night I took her to the diner and asked her questions about herself, took her out to that cliffside and touched her in a way that no one else ever had. We’d shared something that night, and it had laid the foundation for everything else that had followed.
It had led us here, and I know that’s why she wants to go back there.
But for me, it’s not just that night with Athena. It’s nights with Natalie, it’s where I lost my virginity and took hers, it’s where we planned our escape and where I went back to when I thought I would die of grief, when it felt as if my heart had shattered into so many pieces that I could never put it back together. It’s by the street where she died, and it’s where I tried to.
If Dean and Cayde hadn’t found me, I would have. And there’ve been a lot of nights when I wish I’d just driven my motorcycle off the cliff, instead of trying to slit my wrists like a fucking girl.
But I didn’t die. I’m still here.
And if Athena wants to go back to the place where we started, I’m going to take her, even if there’s so much more to it for me.
There’s not much traffic as we ride out, and I push the limits a little, going faster than usual. I know Athena won’t mind, and I want to feel the rush of speed, get my heart racing for more reasons than one. I fucking love having her on the back of my bike, feeling her arms wrapped tightly around me, her cheek pressed against my back as we speed down the highway. The fact that she trusts me after everything, that she’ll get on my motorcycle and let me take her wherever we’re going, means more to me than I could ever explain to her.
She’s as fearless and brave and beautiful as her half-sister was, and sometimes I wonder how I never saw it. They’re so alike that it seems obvious now, but different enough that I know I love Athena for herself, and not just as a way to replace Natalie.
I could never replace Natalie, with anyone. But I could never replace Athena either.
My stomach clenches when we get closer to the cliffside, when I come around the bend not far from the spot in the street where Natalie died. I haven’t been back out here since Athena and I started sleeping together for real, and I feel that knot of guilt that I’ve managed to mostly shake since the night Athena and I went out to the coast, as if I’m betraying Natalie. I hadn’t felt like that when I’d brought Athena out here the first time, but I’d been planning to avoid all of this back then.
I’d been planning to avoidher. To stay out of her bed and keep her out of mine. To stay out of the whole damn game and stay faithful to a dead girl.
Now everything has changed.
I park the bike near the trees where no one driving by should see it, and glance over at Athena, shaking her hair out as she takes off her helmet. She looks so fucking beautiful that I can hardly stand it, but that cold guilt is still there too, not least of which because out here especially, she looks so fucking much like Natalie. Black hair, same body, same way of jumping off the bike and shaking out her hair.I swear I love her for different reasons,I think to myself, almost as if I’m trying to explain myself to a girl who can no longer hear me.I’m not replacing you. I didn’t even know she was related to you. I loved her long before I knew. And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, and I’m not. Because Athena is everything that I could want now. And I couldn’t bear to lose her either, even if it meant bringing Natalie back.
It’s a dichotomy that’s going to haunt me for the rest of my fucking days.
“Come on.” Athena takes my hand, leading me out into the meadow. We didn’t bring a blanket with us, but the grass is still fairly thick and soft, since it hasn’t frozen or snowed yet. It’s still fall, and the weather is still holding, even if it’s chilly. The moon is shining overhead, just past half.
“It’s supposed to be a full moon on Halloween,” I say quietly. “As if that night isn’t already going to be fucking creepy as hell.”
“I used to love Halloween,” Athena says quietly. “I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again.”
I slide my arm around her waist, looking up at the moon, and she leans against me. I know what she’s talking about, although neither of us wants to say it entirely aloud. For everyone on campus who isn’t one of the founding heirs and everyone in town who isn’t a ranking member of the families, Halloween is just a night to party and drink and dress up and follow your kids around while they collect candy.
For us, this year, it’s a night to dread.
It’s the night of the final ritual for the heir. The night that Dean is supposed to prove that he took Athena’s virginity, and lay his claim to the town. The night he’s supposed to be officially engaged to Winter, in a ceremony in the labyrinth.
For us, it’s the night when we’re going to put a stop to all of this.
