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“She told me she loved me,” I say quietly. “I had no idea. I was a stupid sixteen year old boy, there’s no way I knew. But I loved her too, and I told her so. And then—”
Take me for a ride, birthday boy?
“It all happened in one day.” I shake my head, laughing softly. “My first motorcycle, my first kiss, my first time with a girl. Falling in love. All on my sixteenth birthday. A hell of a birthday.”
“It sounds like it.” Athena shifts next to me, crossing her legs and turning towards me so she can look at my face as I talk, her hand still wrapped around mine.
“She wasn’t afraid of anything,” I murmur. “She was like you, in that. She was brave, and beautiful, and when she loved, she loved with everything in her. I forgot who I was with her, that I was a King, the least of the families but still expected to be a part of it all. Expected to stand at either Cayde or Dean’s side—and lets be honest, we always knew who it would be. Cayde was under so much pressure to fight for it, but he never really wanted it. It was always going to be Dean. No one has ever worked as hard as his father did to groom him to take this town back.”
I pause, looking out across the meadow. “We came here every chance we got. Every date, every night that we could get away, losing ourselves in each other. We forgot that I was an heir and she was just a girl, a lesser St. Vincent—and now, of course, I know she wasn’t even that. We didn’t understand, then, why our families were so violently against us being together when they found out. I do now, of course. But she never did.”
“And you weren’t going to be kept apart.” Athena is already two steps ahead. “Romeo and Juliet.”
My mouth twists. “That’s exactly what we thought we were. Teenage boys get a bad rap, but a teenage boy in love can be every bit as dramatic as a teenage girl. She wanted to leave, and she didn’t keep that from me. She wanted usbothto leave. It was like she had some…some sense of what was coming. She didn’t even want to wait until we were eighteen. She wanted to go as soon as possible, as soon as it became very clear that our families intended to find a way to keep us apart.”
“So it was her idea.”
“It was, but it didn’t take much to get me all in on it. I bought her a ring—the smallest fucking ring anyone has ever seen, but it’s the thought that counts I guess—but she fucking cried when I gave it to her. I told her I was going to get her a better one before I asked her to marry me for real, but she told me that she didn’t ever want anything else. I told her it was my promise to her that I was going to leave it all behind, that I didn’t care about any of it. Just her. That she was all I needed.”
My throat tightens again, and I squeeze Athena’s hand hard. “We were supposed to leave the next night. She was crossing the street to meet me here when the car hit her.” I take a deep, shuddering breath. “I’ll hear her scream in my head for the rest of my goddamn life.”
Save me, Jaxon.
Save me, and take me away.
She never said any of that, while I held her broken and bleeding in the street. But I hear it in my head anyway, just like I have in my nightmares for so long.
“She died here,” I say quietly. “And I wanted to.”
Athena’s eyes widen, and she looks at me for a long moment. “What do you mean?” she asks finally, and I clench my jaw, grinding my teeth as I try to find the words to say it aloud.
“I’ve never talked about it to anyone. Not Cayde or Dean, not any girl, definitely not my fucking parents. No one.” I look up at the half moon, my heart pounding in my chest.
“When Natalie died, I lost everything. I lostmyself. I stopped hanging out with the Sons. Stopped going to class. I fell behind, got held back a year. That’s how I ended up in the same class with Dean and Cayde. All I did was work out and fight at night and ride around on my motorcycle. I didn’t give a shit about anything. I couldn’t leave, and I sure as fuck didn’t want to stay here. I didn’t have any escape. Until finally I thought of one.”
“Oh god, Jaxon.”
“I didn’t really think it out. I came out here all the fucking time. I’d ride out here and cry and scream and curse and shout where no one could hear me, fucking scream at the sky until my throat bled. I fucking tortured myself with it, coming back here to our spot, coming back to where she died. It was all I fucking had left of her. That picture, and this cliff.”
“Thinking back, I should have just driven my motorcycle off the edge,” I continue quietly, my voice raw. “But I didn’t think that far ahead. I was just out here, staring up at the sky, feeling like I was so shattered that there was no way that I’d ever feel anything but this awful, bottomless, endless grief. It hurt so much I didn’t think I could bear it any longer. I didn’t believe I’d see her again if I died or some shit like that, but at least I would stop hurting. At least I wouldn’t have to remember that she’d died in front of me, in my fucking arms, and I couldn’t save her. At least I’d get some fucking rest.”
I can see that Athena is crying now, quietly, tears sliding down her cheeks. She doesn’t sob or even make a sound, and I know she’s hoping I won’t see. But the moonlight is glinting off of her face, and I can tell.
“I had my knife with me,” I whisper, as if someone other than Athena might hear. “I slit my wrists with it. Across, because I wasn’t thinking, and that probably saved my life. That, and the fact that I was supposed to meet up with Cayde and Dean, and as flaky as I’d been, they came to find me. They knew where to look.”
“Shit,” Athena breathes. “They saved your life?”
I nod. “They found me passed out here. Threw me in the car and took me to the hospital. It was all hushed up, of course. One of the heirs trying to commit suicide would have been a hell of a scandal. My parents were furious, not because I almost died, but because it made our family look bad. We were already the least of the three families, how could I do that to them?” I shake my head. “They didn’t give a shit about losing me, just about how I reflected on our family.”
Athena’s mouth twists wryly. “It certainly didn’t get you to become a model King.”
I can’t help but laugh at that. “Oh, it definitely only made it worse. I was the black sheep, and I was proud of it. I didn’t try to kill myself again. Once was enough. I figured it meant I was supposed to live with the grief, be the one who remembered her, the one who loved her most. I spent a lot of time the last year of high school trying to fuck the pain away. I felt like shit doing that, and I felt like I ought to feel like shit. I was punishing myself as much as anything, because I felt like I’d never deserved her, like if she hadn’t picked me she’d still be alive. I tore myself apart in any way I could. And I was bound and determined to have nothing to do with this fucking town. That’s why—” I take a breath. “You know. That’s why it took so long for us—”
Athena doesn’t say anything to that. She just reaches out, taking both of my hands in hers, and she turns them over so she can see my wrists. There’s just enough light in the meadow that she can see the thin lines there, and she runs her thumbs over them. “I never noticed before,” she says softly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I don’t pull away, even though no one has ever touched them before. It feels almost more intimate than any other touch, and I’m suddenly very aware of her, aware of how close she is, how alone we are, of how this is our place and not our place all at once, and I wonder if I should do the things I’m thinking of. If it would be wrong. “It’s in the past.”
“It’s still a part of you.” She presses her thumbs against my flesh, looking up at me with those wide eyes, soft and open. “I’m glad you chose this. I’m glad you didn’t do it the way that would have killed you. I’m glad you didn’t drive your bike off the cliff. I’m glad—” Athena breathes in, her gaze fixed on mine. “I’m glad that you’re here, Jaxon. I know you’ve been in so much pain for so long. I know how it can feel unbearable, like you’re drowning in it, like there’s nothing you can ever do to escape it. But if you need to—” she pauses, her lips parting, and I’m suddenly very aware of her fingers on my skin, the scent of her and how warm she is.
