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Everything I needed.
23
ATHENA
Somehow, eventually, we all come untangled. We end up in the massive shower in Dean’s bathroom, three of us, Cayde waiting until I can help him without him falling trying to get in and out of his. I feel so wrung out that it’s hard to stand, but somehow I manage to get clean, and I give both Dean and Jaxon one more kiss before I go to Cayde’s room.
He gives me a look as I knock once and step inside. “This is fucked,” he mutters. “I need fucking help getting in and out of the shower.”
“At least you have me to help you. It could be one of the guys.” I look at him, giving him the same sort of smirk he loves to give me as I help him. I can tell he’s pissed off by all of it, still irritable even after the sex, although I can hardly blame him. His entire year—maybe more, has changed in an instant. But it’s like that for all of us now. None of us know what the future looks like.
“Are you staying?” he asks when he’s out of the shower, ignoring my offers of help as he limps towards the bed with the help of his crutches.
“I’d planned on it.” I climb onto the bed, on the side I usually sleep on, and Cayde glances at me.
“It’s been a while since you stayed in here with me.”
“I’d meant to, the other night,” I say softly. “But things didn’t go the way I thought they would, when we—”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Cayde says curtly. His expression is darkening, storm clouds gathering, but I push forward anyway. Just like with Jaxon, I know this conversation needs to be had.
“I know,” I say gently. “But Cayde—everything is about to change, one way or another. We have to be honest with each other. And—” I take a deep breath, steeling myself. I don’t want to be the one to say it first to him. But I know with Cayde, it’s necessary. He might meet me halfway, but he’ll never be able to take the first step. Whatever has happened to him, it’s scarred him in ways far beyond the marks on his back.
I reach for him then, threading my fingers through his, and I feel him stiffen. “Athena—” his voice is almost a warning. “Athena, we don’t need to do this. We—”
“We do,” I say firmly. “And whatever happens, I want you to know.”
His eyes meet mine, and I see something in them that I hadn’t expected to.
Fear.
“Athena—”
“Cayde, I love you.” I squeeze his hands tightly, blurting out the words before he can stop me. “I know it might seem strange. I know out of everyone, you and I have had the strangest road to get here. You’re a brutal, damaged, terrifying man, and you’ve torn me apart in ways that I can’t begin to describe. But you’ve put me together, too.”
He doesn’t say anything, and so I plunge forward. “Each one of you, Cayde—you and Dean and Jaxon—there’s something in each of you that’s in me, too. And with you—”
“Anger.” He says it in a low voice, rough and deep, and it reverberates somewhere deep inside of me.
I nod, swallowing hard. “We’re both full of it, Cayde. At the world, at ourselves, at everything that’s happened to us. We both want to tear apart the ones who hurt us. You tried to tear me apart instead, and for a while, it worked. But you didn’t count on the fact that I could give it right back to you.” I can feel tears filling my eyes, and I laugh, clutching his hands in mine. “It’s strange and violent and it’s probably really fucking unhealthy, but at this point, who the fuck cares?” I look into his eyes, green and burning, and I know he’s hearing me. I know I’m getting there, and I don’t stop.
“If you want to burn the world down, Cayde, I’ll do it with you. If you need to rage, if you need me to take it from you, I will. And you’ll take mine from me. And maybe, somewhere along the way, we’ll leave some of it so we can finally have some fucking peace.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Athena—”
“Cayde—”
“No, you listen to me now.” His jaw clenches, his eyes darkening. “I wasn’t even supposed to have this fucking life. My brother died because a worthless piece of shit got behind the wheel while he was drunk and plowed into him. If not for that, he’d be the one in this bed with you. No—scratch that.” Cayde shakes his head. “You’re here because my father wanted to push me into trying to win the game. So you wouldn’t even be here. You’d be living your life, and you’d never have gone through any of this. None of it would have ever happened. And—”
“I’m sorry your brother died,” I tell him, looking fiercely into his eyes. “But I’m not sorry I’m here. Not anymore. Iloveyou, Cayde, no matter what that means or how hard it is or how we tear each other apart sometimes. I love Dean too, and Jaxon, and I want all three of you. I want this, and if we come out on the other side of Halloween still alive, that’s not going to change. I’m in this, with all of you. I mean it.”
“Maybe so,” Cayde says, his voice deep and bitter. “But you can’t take it away, Athena. You can’t change how my father beat the shit out of me, just because I wasn’t Daniel. Because I could never measure up to him. You can’t change how I watched one of the Sons string up the man who caused the accident, while my father stood there and watched, and made me watch. You know what that does to a teenage boy?”
“I can imagine.”
“No. No you fucking can’t.” Cayde hisses it through his teeth, his chest heaving. “My father turned me into someone I didn’t even want to be. Everything I am—the way I look, the sports I play, the life I lead, right down to being here, someone else chose for me. I’ve never chosen a single fucking thing for myself, until—” he takes a shuddering breath, and suddenly, as if something shifted inside of him, I feel his hands wrap around mine, too.
“Until I decided not to let Dean win,” he says quietly. “Until I decided to believe in you. And I’ve never regretted that, little Saint. I’ve regretted every single thing about my life up until then. But not that. And whatever happens next, I won’t.”
