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Except… what had those other matters been?
What had been the reason her aunt had returned to Nerastis?
It occurred to Zarrah for the first time that none had been given, and she’d been so caught up in regaining her aunt’s favor that she’d not noticed the visit was rather purposeless. “Thank you for your insight.” Her voice was colder than she’d intended, but it was better than betraying her unease. “Now will you cover for me, or do I need to take my chances alone?”
“Of course I will.” Yrina’s shoulders slumped, and she ran one hand through her curly hair. “Go. End it, if that’s whatyouwant.”
Except it wasn’t so simple as that, which Yrina would have understood if she’d known the truth of who this manwas.
You don’t even know who he is,the voice in her head whispered.You don’t even know his name.“I won’t be long.”
Yrina caught her wrist. “I love you, Zar. I only want you to be happy; please remember that.”
“I love you, too.” And though there was more she should have said, some acknowledgement that there was perhaps some truth to her friend’s words, Zarrah said nothing, only slipped out the window into the night.
29
KERIS
You should go.
A refrain that had repeated in his head for what had to be over an hour, yet Keris remained sitting on the damp rock of the dam, his eyes fixed on the shadows of the opposite side, now out of reach. And it wasn’t only Valcotta who was out of reach, but the dream she’d ignited in him that he could be something more than what he was. Someone better. Leaving felt like he’d be giving up not only on her, but on himself.
She’s not coming. And you are what you are.
Keris rose to his feet, turning from the spillway. But as he did, the shadows stirred. Freezing in place, he held his breath, waiting. And she appeared.
“I brought your things,” she shouted over the roar of the water. “I should’ve brought them sooner. I’m sorry.”
He eyed her for a moment, then called back, “You’re not here because of a coat and book, Valcotta.”
Looking anywhere but at him, she was silent. Then she lifted her beautiful face, shadowed eyes latching on his. “Seeing you, speaking to you… it’s forbidden. You are Maridrinian, which means you are supposed to be my enemy.”
Something had happened. Something had changed. “Supposed to be.” He tilted his head. “Except I’m not.”
“You are!” Not even the waterfall was loud enough to drown out the frustration in her voice. “If we met on the battlefield, I’d kill you without thought.”
“Handily, I’m sure. I’m not a particularly gifted fighter.” Sarcasm pushed its way into his voice despite his best intentions because her words stung. “If you don’t want to be here, then why are you?”
“To tell you it’s over. To say goodbye. To give you back your goddamned things so I don’t have to look at them!”
“Well, you’ve said it, then. And the gap between us has grown too large to jump, so feel free to toss said things over the edge if they cause you such consternation. I care not.”
“Fine.” She tossed his coat into the falls, and Keris cursed under his breath because he’dlikedthat coat. But when she held up the book, clearly intending to throw it next, he found himself stepping forward. Not because of the book itself, for it was neither rare nor expensive, but because of what it represented. A moment that he didn’t want thrown into a spillway to be lost and forgotten.
Valcotta hesitated, withdrawing her outstretched hand to press the book against her chest, the simple action making his own chest ache.
“What is it that needs to end, Valcotta?” he called across the water. “What part terrifies you so much? Because I don’t think it’s me.”
Her shadowy form shivered. “You don’t understand. I need tobea certain way. I need tothinka certain way. Because if I don’t, not only do I risk losing everything I’ve worked for, but I risk losing myself.”
“Or maybe you’ll find yourself.” His hands fisted, and he wasn’t sure if he was talking to Valcotta or to himself. “You told me once that if you truly believe in something, you should be willing to suffer for it. To die for it. Well, I think that if you truly believe in something, you shouldlivefor it.”
Valcotta stiffened, staring at him, then she twisted on her heel and strode down the dam.
He’d pushed too hard, and in doing so, had pushed her away. Keris shoved his hands through his hair, desperately searching for the right thing to say to get her to come back. “Valcotta, wait!”
She slid to a stop, turning to face him, and his heart leapt. Then she shouted, “Back up.”
