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Aren had wanted to remain with her, but Nana’s words still sat heavily in her mind, so she’d told him to go see to matters requiring his attention. He’d protested, but eventually left, patting the pocket holding her undergarments with a smirk as he’d left the room, making her laugh.
She missed laughter between them. The endless jokes and battles of wit they’d engaged in before the invasion, in the months they’d lived and loved in Eranahl with light hearts. They’d never be able to go back to that time, but laughter made her heart swell with hope that they’d find a new version of happiness.
Climbing out of the bath, she toweled herself dry and donned a silk wrap. The storm had ended in the way they always did in Ithicana, raging in one breath and then eerily calm the next, and she opened one set of balcony doors to allow fresh air into the room. The sky was clear, the moon and stars already bright overhead, and Lara pulled a chair between the open doors and settled herself down in it. Every inhale tasted of moisture and smelled of jungle, thedrip drip dripof water falling from the eaves like music.
Why do you want to stay?
Aren’s question circled her thoughts, though she’d yet to come up with an answer. Part of it was that she didn’t want to tear Aren from his home, didn’t want Ithicana to lose its king and be cast into the uncertainty of a succession war. Another part was that she had a hard time imagining either of them living a simple life as common people, the visions of what it would be like living on a farm or working as a merchant refusing to form in her head. She loved Ithicana, and it felt like home in a way that no other place ever had, yet even that was not the reason that demanded she and Aren remain.
You aren’t wanted here.
Lara shivered, remembering all that Ahnna had said. She had no expectations of forgiveness, but…she desperately wanted to prove to the people that she was worthy of living here. Worthy of being their queen, because the life she saw when she closed her eyes was of rebuilding Ithicana, defending it, and making it strong. That was what she wanted, but she didn’t think it would be possible unless she proved every single day that she was more than her prior actions.
Acceptance.
The word resonated with truth, and Lara bit at her bottom lip because she had no idea how she might achieve it.
Produce an heir.
She cringed as that conversation replayed in her head, realizing now that Nana hadn’t been forestalling intimacy between her and Aren to protect her body, but rather to protect her choice. God…she could only imagine how gutted she’d have felt to have been with child only to discover that everyone thought it self-serving. A way to protect herself, ingratiate herself, to gain the acceptance she craved but not earn it.
Shit.
Lara pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, knowing that her reaction had surprised Aren. Did it change how he felt about being with her? She…she didn’t think so. Certainly his actions when they were alone in the council room suggested otherwise, but doubt and uncertainty refused to silence their whispers into her ears.
Behind her, the door to the room opened.
Lara’s grip tightened on her knife, but only Aren appeared. “I brought you something to eat,” he said.
“Something that Aster hasn’t eaten half of,” Jor shouted from beyond. “Clever bastard is just trying to get more than his fair share of rations.”
Lara smiled, then grinned broadly as she saw the plate. “Is that…pork?”
“It surely is.” He set the plate and a fork on the table next to her. “Turns out a ship with supplies rode out the storm on an island not an hour from here. They had a pig with them, though he met his doom almost upon passing through the gates to the city. Everyone is tired of fish.”
“Especially me,” she muttered, digging into the meat, which was grilled to perfection. Then a thought occurred to her, and she stilled in her chewing, swallowing hard. “What other supplies did they have?”
“No herbs,” he answered. “Nana sent them immediately back to the water with precise instructions, so that should be remedied soon enough.”
She sighed, returning to eating though the meat had lost some of its appeal.
Going to the sideboard, Aren poured two drinks and brought them back. Setting them on the table, he dragged another chair next to hers and then flopped down in it, stretching his long legs in front of him. She could feel the tension of the unasked question floating between them, but she was afraid of bringing it up. Afraid that her doubts would be confirmed.
“About Mara’s…suggestion.” Aren took a long mouthful of his drink, looked at the contents, then drained the glass. “Do you want children, Lara?”
She swallowed hard, the bite of pork sticking in her throat and forcing her to take a drink herself.Don’t be a coward,she told herself.Ask the goddamned question.“If I don’t, does that change things between us?”
“No.” He met her gaze. “It does not. The only condition on my desire to be with you for the rest of my life is honesty. So I would like to know your thoughts on this, for I know you have them.”
Lara gave a tight nod, setting aside her plate. “Children were not something I was raised to consider. I was sent to Ithicana with a full set of knowledge on how to prevent pregnancy, told that I must avoid it at all cost.”
“Because a child would bind you to Ithicana. And to me.”
“Yes.” She hated talking about this, about what she’d been trained to do, to Ithicana. And to him. But silence had damned her before, and she refused to do the same again. “Though Serin told us it was because our bodies would be weakened by pregnancy and that you’d use a baby to control whichever of us became your bride. He never explained anything in a way that would make it seem that it was him or my father denying or controlling us; everything was always cast at your feet.”
Aren exhaled a long breath but said nothing.
Keep going,she told herself.You can do this. You must do it.“Though I learned the truth when we went to Vencia and realized that I’d been raised on lies, it pains me to admit that some of those lies refused to relinquish their control. The notion that a child would be used to weaken and control me was one of them. That’s why when we were here before the invasion, I kept taking the contraceptive tea.”
