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She buttered another biscuit and slathered it with strawberry jam. She set the knife aside. She wasn’t hungry, but she needed a distraction. Heat radiated from her middle. Even the tips of her ears were on fire. All because Roman had a way to light fires with simple words and blistering looks.
What could she say, other than what she had already tried to convey? How could she make him glance away? Or better, see deep into her heart all those things he’d done to wound her?
“I did want to invite you to Cadiz with me next week. Señor Madrigalas sent me a note that his new horses are arriving from Morocco. We will be back in time for your lavish party.”
“And you want my opinion? You really ought to take Udad. He is a much better judge of horseflesh than I. Or Papa, for that matter.”
“I would be terribly bored with Udad. And I’ve spent enough time with your father in the last several months.” He placed his hand over hers again. This time, his heat traveled up her arm.
“What about Antonio?”
“Of course he will come with us, and whichever of his nurses you wish to take along. Perhaps we should leave early then you can do some shopping?”
“I’m planning a party. A jaunt to Cadiz will hamper my efforts to impress the neighbors. Roman, you don’t need to do this. To try so hard.” She let out a breath. Around her, life went on. She stared down where Roman’s hand lay over hers.
“I must. I don’t have what I want yet.”
He wasn’t hearing her. He didn’t believe that he caused her pain. “I don’t know how to love you any way except fully, so I can’t love you at all. Strangely, no matter what I do, love you or hate you, the pain is still the same. Here or gone, the pain is still the same. You are like the sky to me. Beautiful and warm and glowing, and dark and hard and unknowable. Always the promise of a glorious day. But always a storm on the horizon,” she said.
“You know me. Better than anyone. I may be those things. Iamthose things! But you see through the darkness. You shine a light that draws me more completely than the air I breathe. No matter where I think I have to be, you are with me. You draw me. You save me. I’m not leaving again, Shelene. I am here to stay.”
“I’m not safe with you. Everyone around me is safe, but I am not. I need to go, Roman. I have important things to attend.”
“Will you go with me to Cadiz?”
“No.”
“Then I will not go either.”
“Don’t be foolish. If there are horses you want to purchase for your estate, you should go.”
“The horses were for our future. Our estates. Our heirs. You have made your point many times over. I broke my word to you, but I am trying to make things right. To have you believe in me again.”
“It’s easy enough to go to Cadiz without me,” she said, trying to wiggle away from the hard conversations they continued to have.
“Everything is a test. I am not going to fail by going to Cadiz alone. Do you want me to include your father, so you don’t have to be alone with me?”
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“Aren’t you? I think you are very afraid that I will sneak into your bedroom one of these evenings and show you just how much youdon’tcare.”
“Why can we not have a normal conversation?”
“A husband suggesting he would like to bed his wife seems fairly innocuous to me.” He reached a hand beneath the table and stroked along her thigh. “I remember a time when you wanted very much to experience the marriage bed. I can hardly believe that has changed.”
Whatever she said, Roman would detect the lie. Instead, she would just keep lying to herself. “You can hardly countenance the silly needs of a delusional, virginal bride.”
“I don’t believe that any more than you do. Except you are still virginal.”
“Oh for the love of God, I’ve had a child. Your child!”
“That’s the most emotion you’ve shown since I’ve returned. Maybe there is hope.”
“Father Etienne would appreciate that my confession is only about anger instead of murder.”
He chuckled, then moved his hand to the inside of her leg. “It must have suited you when Belgrano shared the news of my demise.”
“Don’t jest about such a thing. I was devastated.”
