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ELEVEN
‘MY FLAWS BURN THROUGH MY SKIN’ $UICIDEBOY$
Gio
The moments of walking from the car to the elevator of my apartment, then from there to my bed, consisted of blackouts; my consciousness fading in and out. When I finally wake up, the moon is high above the city that never sleeps. I’m lying alone in my king bed, wearing nothing but my boxers beneath the thin bed sheet and an IV in my arm.
Waking up, however, is not like the movies where the bedridden victim needs a few minutes to remember what happened before finding themselves in the hospital; I remember everything the moment my eyes open.
“Lexi.” My throat feels like a cracked lakebed, and my eyeballs feel like dried out raisins.
“She’s showering.” I hear Luce’s rough voice from the darkened corner of the room. I reach up with my good arm, remembering that I was shot in my right shoulder, and click on the bedside lamp. The warm glow burns my eyes, but I blink through it and find Luce sitting in an armchair at the foot of the bed. His eyes look completely dead as he takes a swig of whiskey straight from the bottle. His clothes are rumpled and still speckled with blood. The sleeves on his Henley shirt are pushed up to his elbows, the black cast on his right arm still holding his bones together; I had feared I broke it when I fell against him in the hotel room. His other arm looks like it has a bleeding wound, but I can’t tell if it’s dried blood or something else.
Fuck, it’s probably self-inflicted. His sister’s death is setting in and he’s not handling it well at all, but who the fuck can blame him?
“It’s her seventh shower now. Daddy dearest wasn’t too-”
“Luce.” I snap, my eyes sliding over to the doorway of the bathroom, thankful the shower is still running so she can’t hear him.
I get Luce’s anger, I understand that he’s running through a shit ton of emotions; grief that rivals the ocean, sorrow that reaches the depths of hell, and vengeance so strong that nothing but Alan’s blood will soothe it. But speaking that way when Lexi could hear him and his bitter words…not fucking happening.
“Did she sleep?” I ask looking back at him.
He takes another pull from the almost empty bottle before answering, “Nightmares.”
These fucking short answers are starting to wear me out, but what the fuck else can I do when he’s in so much pain? I can’t celebrate one life when the other was lost and therein lies the problem, but if I’m being honest, I know that even Lexi won’t be celebrating her life when her best friend is no longer breathing.
I drop my head back on my pillows. “I wish I could change this for you. Give my life for hers.” I look back at him, his eyes locked on the floor as he leans his elbows on his knees. “I’d do it in an instant.”
“Ah, the fucking dream, fratello. To lay one's life down for another. I believe the bible claims that to be the ultimate show of love. A real stumper though, isn’t it? You know, I used to idolize you -my mistake, I know- because I used to think the great Giovanni could move mountains, his anger, his darkness that rivaled my own, could kill anything in its path, but you’re not God. If this whole fucking thing has proven anything, it’s that you’re just a man. Without even mentioning what that motherfucker did to her before she died like a dog, you still can’t give up your life for my sister!” He screams as he lifts his head, tilting it to the side as he stares at me. My heart fucking breaks for the millionth time, words laced with venom slice at me as though they’re biblical whips, and I can say with total honesty that I’ve never felt this hateful coldness from my best friend until this very moment. But I’m not a man who has quite conquered his temper, and biting my anger down is beginning to weaken.
“You’re right, Luce, I’m not God, but I’ll be your executioner, and there won’t be any god willing to forgive me for what I’ll do when I get my hands on the son of a bitch. I’ll make sure his screams are loud enough for Maxine to hear in the afterlife.” I growl.
He drops his head with a chuckle that has the hair on my neck standing, creating an itch in the back of my mind that awakens myfight or fuckinstincts. But in this instant, it’s myfightthat’s winning.
Luce stands from the chair just as I rip the IV out of my arm, readying myself to fight my best friend, but he knows me as well as I know him and rushes me before I can jump from the bed. His hand strikes out, grabbing my throat and jaw, slamming my back against the headboard once more before his knee comes down between my legs, pushing against my brief covered cock. The pain isn’t nearly as bad as it could have been had he actually kneed me, but it does make me freeze as he leans closer to my face.
“Executioner.” He sneers through gritted teeth, his whiskey breath reminding me that it’s the liquor talking. “An eye for an eye, G. I could so easily kill you, take from him as he took from me, but then I’d be taking from me too.” His nose brushes my skin as he lays his forehead against mine, our harsh breaths mingling while I watch the tears hang precariously on his lashes as though the thought of losing me, no matter how angry he is, is too much for him to process.
I understand it better than anyone; the mix of emotions swirling in his heart combined with the liquor, has his thoughts and words pouring out with inconsistency, the ups and downs of his mind creating a whiplash of love and hate.
Hatebecause I am the closest Vaccari he can get his hands on, andlovebecause I’m his best friend. Despite the unfortunate fact that I’m the son of his sister’s murderer, Luce knows I’m not Alan. I’m not the one who truly deserves the heat of his wrath, but the one who does…that motherfucker isn’t here for it.Yet.
As his eyes close in sorrow, I ignore the burn in my throat and the painful screaming of my shoulder before grabbing the hand that’s still holding me against the headboard and flip him onto his back, straddling his waist.
“If you think for one fucking second that I don’t already hate myself and the blood in my veins, then you don’t fucking know me. I’m doing my best to be strong here because you mean as much to me as Lexi does, Luce. I don’t have the words to heal you, to glue your pieces back together, but I’m right. Fucking.Here!”
I put more pressure on his hips with my own, pulling his arm up and pointing at the deliberate cut on his arm, my eyes burning as I look at him, “I’ll do anything to make this hurt go away, but this is not okay with me. If you need to cut something, cut me. If you need to hurt someone, hurt me. Need a vein to bleed? I’ll give you mine without hesitation, but your life doesn’t belong to just you anymore.”
I shove off him and the bed, stooping down to grab the liquor bottle from the floor before walking toward the door. I know he’s drunk, drowning himself and his feelings in the bitter drink, but it won’t numb his pain…it’ll only add to it. I know because I grew up with a man who drank himself into an anger fueled bitterness every day, and I refuse to watch Luce do the same.
He’ll regret his words and actions, not that he’s even done much right now, but that’s just tonight. What about tomorrow or the days after? I don’t want him falling down that path.
Just as I’m about to cross the threshold of the bedroom, I see movement from the corner of my eye. Turning, I hear Luce curse under his breath as he and I both spot Lexi standing in the doorway of the darkened restroom, her body hidden beneath one of my t-shirts as tears drip down her face. I hadn’t heard her, or seen the light turn off. Fuck, she heard everything, and it makes me want to force Luce to apologize for the hurt on Lexi’s face. I can already hear her unspoken thoughts,this is all my fault, I never should have entered their lives, Luce probably hates me. Max is dead because of me. That last one has me stepping closer to her.
I immediately wrap my good arm around her and pull her to my chest where she cries softly. Her tears drip hot down my skin, but I don’t mind it; I only wish I could soak them all up, so she never has to cry again.
“It should have been me, not Maxine.” Her words are muffled, but I hear them as though she screamed them, and they lash at my soul.
