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“I’ll go up there with you, fratello.” Gio promises, leaning over to kiss Lexi’s cheek before standing and fixing his suit jacket.
I mimic him, kissing Lexi’s other cheek followed by my mother’s before standing and walking around to the head of Maxine’s grave.
I remove my sunglasses and look across the fifty or so people sitting and standing around the grave site. My attention was on everything but the people who attended, now that I’ve taken the time to look at them, I see not everyone here is nameless.
Some Rametta family members are here, though most of them are so distant that I don’t even remember their names. Some old neighborhood friends are gathered as well, including some of the girls who danced alongside my sister at the club.
Though they didn’t know my sister, I see the whole Renzetti family here, including the Don and his wife. Some I’ve met, others I haven’t, like the Latina woman holding the hands of two small children, Nico standing stoically behind her with Drake to his right.
They both give me a sharp head nod as I inhale deeply, my eyes sliding over to Lexi, who has my mother in her arms. Fuck, I wish I could be there instead of standing up here.
I turn to Gio, who nods his head to me, lending me his strength with his closeness.
The double trouble boys, I hear Maxine whisper as I open my mouth to begin my ode to her.
“Have you ever been full yet felt a deep longing? That’s what my family and I face right now. So full of grief and despair, anger, sorrow…yet hungry for one more moment to hear her voice.”
I clear my throat, tipping my head back to look up at the sky for a moment of clarity, seeking strength from Maxine so that I may do right by her. No matter where her body lies, I refuse to believe her ghost is beside me because her spirit is always above us, in both life and death.
“It’s burned into my memory,” I start again, looking down at the white casket seated six feet below, “her laughter, her humming, the way she’d say my name when she was pissed,” I get a few chuckles, “but will it fade?”
I scrub at my eyes, refusing to let my tears fall anymore, “She blew the world a kiss goodbye, taking with her all the plans we made. When we were kids, we made a pact that we would always be there for each other, no matter what we faced in life. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, I could just turn around and she would be here, going through every moment that mattered. We were the unbreakable duo. I was supposed to be there to kick some sense into whoever didn’t treat her like the princess she was, hold her when someone broke her heart while sharpening my blade to do her justice, because that's what brothers do. What we both did for each other. I was supposed to walk her down the aisle when whatever schmuck was finally worthy enough to marry her, but let's be honest, she was too good for anyone. I was supposed to be there when she had her first kid and maybe even her second, ready to be the best goddamn uncle, even if I have no idea how to be one, but I would have done anything for her. I would have tried my best because she always gave me nothing less than the best. I would have given her the world, lay it down at her feet because without her, I wouldn't be here to tell you all about the type of person she was; I would have been six feet under, the same place she is going. I owe her everything. She’s had her whole life laid out in front of her, full of color and promise. She was supposed to be here...not me. She blew the world a kiss goodbye, but she blew a hole in my heart.”
My voice gives out then, but I slip on my sunglasses once more and continue, “I miss her, and I will every day until I give up my last breath. I mourn for those who never knew her.”
I step away, tossing my rose into the hole, the thud of it hitting the casket echoing in my ears. I walk over to my mother, who is sobbing into Lexi’s shoulder, and kiss them both once more, not daring to speak, before turning on my heel and escaping from this godforsaken place.
There’s no God here, only open wounds and broken promises.
